The New England Classic
Spooky! Notoriously Absent University President Actually Missing

Spooky! Notoriously Absent University President Actually Missing

LeahyOpinionSpooky October 31, 2017 The New England Classic

CHESTNUT HILL — In the aftermath of an outcry surrounding the inaction and absence of Boston College’s fearless leader, Father William P. Leahy S.J.,... Spooky! Notoriously Absent University President Actually Missing

CHESTNUT HILL — In the aftermath of an outcry surrounding the inaction and absence of Boston College’s fearless leader, Father William P. Leahy S.J., a university investigation has concluded that Father Leahy is officially missing.

Students have long been lamenting the absence of the renowned Jesuit from frolics on the quad, academic events, and addressing systemic issues on campus. However, it came as a shock to everyone that Father Leahy’s usually taciturn silence was not caused by apathy or conservative donors but rather by the fact that we have no fucking idea where he has gone.

After a thorough investigation from BCPD, it has been determined that he has been missing now for over a month.

University officials and students alike feel a rising sense of panic for the Jesuit priest lost outside the BC bubble, wandering somewhere far from his sweet, sweet Heights. Samantha Browning (MCAS ’20) stated, “I wouldn’t have been so angry at Leahy for failing to respond to racism on campus if I knew he had been on the missing persons list this entire month!” Other students actually felt relieved that Leahy was really missing and was not just voluntarily abstaining from any and all aspects of university life.

Though no leads have been found, it cannot be coincidence that our Jesuit leader went missing in the month of All-Hallows Eve, a holiday notoriously associated with the devil. The administration remains hopeful that wherever Father Leahy is, he will soon be found and return to his usual role as a mover and shaker in policy on the Boston College campus.

A memo has been sent to the student body notifying anyone who hears anything about Leahy’s whereabouts to contact the administration immediately. The search has been a slow process so far, since many in the Boston College community have never seen the President in question and thus cannot help look for him.

At press time, news helicopters circling campus to report on large-scale protests had spotted what seemed to be a man in all black scurrying from unmarked van on Linden Lane into St. Mary’s Hall, but it turned out to be just a shadow. Spooky!

We're selling hats and t-shirts, this week only! Order something to support your independently funded satire pals :)Check it out!
+