Leahy’s Medical Needs Keeping BC From Fossil Fuel Divestment
CHESTNUT HILL — Boston College’s Board of Trustees made the controversial decision to double down on their investments in fossil fuels during a conference call earlier this week. This announcement has called into question the university’s commitment to environmental sustainability, as well as the dermatologic health of a prominent Boston College administrator.
In a statement, spokesman Rob Doyle attempted to justify the Board’s decision, revealing that University President Father William P. Leahy, S.J., requires several gallons of gasoline per day to moisturize his skin, which has been described by several close advisors as “uncomfortably lizard-like” when left untreated.
In addition to his daily gasoline face mask, the refined petroleum is administered to the aging Jesuit through intravenous infusions at 12, 5, and 10 PM every day, and allegedly has a number of unique medical benefits.
“Fr. Leahy would not be able to share his energetic and glowing personality with us all, if not for these regular treatments,” Doyle explained. “Side effects of gasoline therapy include temporary invisibility and long term deafness to voices of the student body. We ask that you would please be respectful of our president and his freaky lizardman disorder in these difficult times.”
The renewed commitment to crude oil has sparked backlash from hundreds of students, alumni, and environmental advocates who have been pressing the university to transition to renewable energy for years.
In 2008, university administrators responded to this criticism by unveiling a new array of solar panels atop O’Neill Library. Unfortunately, investigation by The Classic soon revealed that these panels were merely strips of blue construction paper haphazardly glued on to aluminum foil.
Activists have repeatedly called for the Board of Trustees to divest from fossil fuels to lessen the greenhouse gas emissions that are scientifically proven to cause global warming. However, the revelation of petroleum’s use as epidermal moisturizer within the upper echelons of the administration has left some individuals at a loss.
“I had no idea this was why they were so adamant about continued investment in crude oil,” remarked Cynthia Keating (MCAS ‘11), an alumna and founder of the environmental non-profit Are We Actually Still Having This Debate? “And besides, isn’t gasoline lethal to most humans?”
After being shown pictures of Fr. Leahy’s skin condition, Keating gasped and acknowledged that “something definitely has to be done about that,” but held that fossil fuels were not the answer.
At press time, Leahy was overheard telling one of his top advisors that he won’t stop supporting the oil industry until the rest of the planet joins him in being a sickly, dilapidated husk of former greatness.