Sophomore Wonders: ‘How Loud Do I Need To Sigh In O’Neill For People To Know I’m Pre-Med?’
SchoolStudent Life March 21, 2018
O’NEILL LIBRARY — After a particularly exhausting day of classes and labs (which are like classes but longer and even more difficult), pre-med student Charlotte Richards (MCAS ’20) retired to the fourth floor of O’Neill hoping for nothing but a little sympathy. Though everyone in her vicinity seemed to be... Read more
Help! Scott From HQ Is Proctoring My Exam!
School March 19, 2018
DEVLIN 008 — Students in Professor James Gallagher’s Globalization II class were met with confusion on Monday when a man that looked like a stretched-out mannequin of a leprechaun stood at the front of the room and proceeded to proctor their open note midterm exam. After the 9 AM... Read more
OPINION: All Of Lower Campus Used To Be A Reservoir. Things Were Better That Way.
Opinion March 19, 2018
Although Lower Campus exists today as the end-all and be-all of social life and high culture at Boston College, things didn’t always used to be this way. Almost 70 years ago, the patch of land immediately east of Main Campus wasn’t land at all, but rather the Lawrence Basin... Read more
Student That Took Perspectives, Went On Appa, Arrupe, And Kairos, Then Studied Abroad Has Changed So Much They Exist In The Fourth Dimension Without A Physical Form
AbroadServiceStudent Life March 15, 2018
IGNACIO HALL — As students across campus are returning from their spring break service trips and preparing to re-enter the daily grind of college life, one senior is notably missing from his dorm. Jesús Christopher (MCAS ’18) was supposed to have returned Saturday from a trip to Whitesburgh, West... Read more
Student ‘Really Needed’ This Snow Day After Taxing 24 Hours Back on Campus
HolidaysStudent Life March 14, 2018
SNOW CITY, USA — Becca Anders (MCAS ’20) was relieved to receive word late Monday night that Boston College would be closed on Tuesday, March 13th due to inclement weather. “I really needed this snow day,” Anders said to no one in particular. “I’ve been so stressed lately, and... Read more
23 Students Mistakenly Sent On ABBA Service Trip
Service March 2, 2018
STOCKHOLM, Sweden – As a result of clerical errors on the part of Campus Ministry, 23 students were accidentally enrolled in the Scandinavian ABBA Service Program. The members of Group 11, who had planned on departing for Whitesville, West Virginia as part of their Appalachia Volunteers service trip, were reportedly... Read more
OPINION: We Need More Diversity Among The Racists At Boston College
Big IssuesOpinion February 27, 2018
Someone needs to say what we’ve all been thinking. The racists on this campus are incredibly homogenous, and I’m tired of this lack of diversity. Having racists of all different backgrounds would be a true benchmark of acceptance at Boston College. Everyone keeps talking about how there’s no diversity... Read more
Uh Oh! The New Student Rec Center Is Just A Copy Of Walsh
Student Life February 22, 2018
LOWER CAMPUS — With less than a year and a half until Boston College is slated to open its new student recreation center to replace the Flynn Recreation Complex, frantic internal university memos show that a blueprint mix-up has accidentally resulted in the construction of an exact replica of... Read more
An Inside Look Into The Students For Sexual Health Orgy
Sex February 21, 2018
After several years of hard work, research, and intense love-making, The New England Classic is happy to report that one of our reporters was invited to the highly exclusive bi-weekly orgy hosted by the Students for Sexual Health. The following account is entirely factual, but all names and fluids have been removed... Read more
OPINION: Guns Don’t Kill People, Condoms Kill People
Big IssuesOpinion February 20, 2018
There’s a lot of talk right now about the Second Amendment and the need to increase firearms regulations. Well, the joke’s on you, because I’ve read the Constitution, and it’s pretty clear that people have a right to own guns, so there. And honestly, I don’t really care, because this entire God-forsaken... Read more