Freshman Girl’s Shoulders Fall Victim To Lustful Gaze Of St. Ignatius Statue
OUTSIDE – In an effort to enjoy the long-awaited sunny day on the Heights, Heather Lewdowski (CSON ’21) perched herself on the base of the St. Ignatius statue on Monday afternoon, hoping to catch up on homework she neglected over the weekend and soak up some rays with classmates. However, her feelings of springtime joy quickly dissipated as she was confronted by the sentient statue’s uncomfortable male gaze. The life-size cast bronze Jesuit made no effort to observe Lewdowski’s academic prowess nor her innocent attempts to tan her just-barely-of-age body—all he could fix his eyes upon was the sinful appearance of her deliberately exposed shoulders.
The incident has been rather distressing for Lewdowski, who earlier in the morning had been overcome with glee over the prospect of finally being able to wear her favorite tank top.
“I never got to wear this shirt in high school because of our strict dress code,” the freshman explained. “I always found the rules pretty restrictive and even a little misogynist, so when I came to college I was so excited be able to wear whatever made me feel comfortable.”
Unfortunately, Lewdowski never considered the possibility that the founder of the Society of Jesus himself would sour these collegiate freedoms by bombarding her with 12 feet of institutionalized oppression.
In addition to creating a hostile campus environment, St. Ignatius’ unwavering scrutiny of Lewdowski’s shoulders also distracted him from his usual routine of setting the world aflame and finding God in all things. While Lewdowski did not intend to impose upon anyone’s lifelong pursuit of Ignatian spirituality, she remains deeply angered by the fact that “Ignatius couldn’t control himself enough to focus on things other than my bare shoulder flesh.”
At press time, Lewdowski was seen gathering her things and moving to the academic quad, so that she could feel safer among a sea of similarly exposed body parts, sinners, and Jews.