Overeager Freshman Uses Ambulance Transport As Valuable Pre-Med Networking Opportunity
ST. ELIZABETH’S MEDICAL CENTER — Freshman pre-medical student Calvin Morris (MCAS ‘21), both working hard and partying harder, successfully expanded his professional network last weekend from the back of a Fallon Ambulance located outside of Keyes North.
Morris, drifting in and out of consciousness, gained valuable insights from the skilled healthcare professionals who were called to respond to an extreme case of alcohol poisoning. The paramedics later said that they had offered up many sage pieces of advice, including “Try not to move your head so much,” and “Breathe.
Once inside the vehicle, Morris demonstrated his superior intellect by managing not to aspirate on his own vomit. To further illuminate his skill set, he repeatedly exclaimed, “Dudes, I am so fucked up right now,” to the members of the transport team.
Additionally, he demonstrated his excellent bedside manner by loudly and clearly by apologizing to the owner of every arm he violently clawed in a vain attempt to elevate himself to a sitting position.
At the hospital, Morris was even added into the computer database in the emergency detox room; a record shared by few that will surely set him apart from all the other applicants to medical graduate programs. The emergency room physicians were reportedly impressed by his dedication to raising his BAC along with his GPA.
“This young man is truly making the most of his college experience,” one doctor was overheard saying, “and I think another twelve years of being a student and avoiding the consequences of living in the real world will only develop his talents. His parents must be so proud.”
In the days following Morris’ career development-related excursion, the other pre-med students on his floor have been overheard jealously regretting the hours they had spent volunteering and interning in area hospitals: “I didn’t realize my key to Johns Hopkins was a bottle of Jack Daniel’s.”
At press time, a number of freshmen nursing students were seen gearing up for another long weekend of mock clinicals in the Cheverus lounge.