Student ‘Really Needed’ This Snow Day After Taxing 24 Hours Back on Campus
HolidaysStudent Life March 14, 2018
SNOW CITY, USA — Becca Anders (MCAS ’20) was relieved to receive word late Monday night that Boston College would be closed on Tuesday, March 13th due to inclement weather. “I really needed this snow day,” Anders said to no one in particular. “I’ve been so stressed lately, and... Read more
23 Students Mistakenly Sent On ABBA Service Trip
Service March 2, 2018
STOCKHOLM, Sweden – As a result of clerical errors on the part of Campus Ministry, 23 students were accidentally enrolled in the Scandinavian ABBA Service Program. The members of Group 11, who had planned on departing for Whitesville, West Virginia as part of their Appalachia Volunteers service trip, were reportedly... Read more
OPINION: We Need More Diversity Among The Racists At Boston College
Big IssuesOpinion February 27, 2018
Someone needs to say what we’ve all been thinking. The racists on this campus are incredibly homogenous, and I’m tired of this lack of diversity. Having racists of all different backgrounds would be a true benchmark of acceptance at Boston College. Everyone keeps talking about how there’s no diversity... Read more
Uh Oh! The New Student Rec Center Is Just A Copy Of Walsh
Student Life February 22, 2018
LOWER CAMPUS — With less than a year and a half until Boston College is slated to open its new student recreation center to replace the Flynn Recreation Complex, frantic internal university memos show that a blueprint mix-up has accidentally resulted in the construction of an exact replica of... Read more
An Inside Look Into The Students For Sexual Health Orgy
Sex February 21, 2018
After several years of hard work, research, and intense love-making, The New England Classic is happy to report that one of our reporters was invited to the highly exclusive bi-weekly orgy hosted by the Students for Sexual Health. The following account is entirely factual, but all names and fluids have been removed... Read more
OPINION: Guns Don’t Kill People, Condoms Kill People
Big IssuesOpinion February 20, 2018
There’s a lot of talk right now about the Second Amendment and the need to increase firearms regulations. Well, the joke’s on you, because I’ve read the Constitution, and it’s pretty clear that people have a right to own guns, so there. And honestly, I don’t really care, because this entire God-forsaken... Read more
FITZAGA — Since the beginning of the school year, the all-male members of the first floor of Fitzaga have been staging a series of “Penis Monologues” which are expected to last indefinitely. The freshmen have clarified that this is not in response to the BC Women’s and Gender Studies... Read more
ALUMNI STADIUM — While overseeing football practice today, head coach Steve Addazio received a special delivery of a dozen red roses and a heart-shaped box of chocolates. Although Addazio claimed the treats “must be from a secret admirer,” members of the team are certain that their coach purchased them... Read more
Girlfriend Says “We Need To Be Men And Women For Seeing Other People”
SexStudent Life February 12, 2018
“I can’t believe she just decided to set our relationship aflame like that.”
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Comedic Genius Leaves Witty Comment In Class Facebook Group
Student Life February 8, 2018
THE INTERNET — Eric Garnett (CSOM ‘20) was on a comedic tear in the Class of 2020 Facebook group last week after stumbling across multiple posts from people he knew. “If I see one of my friends post in the group, I automatically have to comment something funny and... Read more