Artist With Pre-Copernican View Of Astronomy To Play University With Pre-Copernican View Of Everything
THE MODS — Last Tuesday the Campus Activities Board (CAB) confirmed that rapper B.o.B would headline this year’s Modstock concert, causing outrage among many members of the Boston College community.
In 2016, the rapper released “Flatline,” in which he defended his opinion that the world is actually a flat plane and does not orbit the sun. The lyrics, along with several of his other songs, also allude to anti-semitism, Holocaust denial, and 9/11 conspiracies. Since releasing the track, B.o.B has repeatedly defended his position, encouraging fans and critics to “look at the facts” and not be fooled by the mainstream media.
While some expressed outrage at the controversial choice to hire B.o.B, others feel that the artist’s pre-Copernican views of astronomy align with BC’s pre-Copernican views of, well, most other things.
“We think B.o.B will be a perfect fit for Boston College,” declared university spokesperson Jack Dunn.
“For one thing, B.o.B’s music was relevant when our graduating seniors were acne-riddled middle school hornballs, arguably the most foundational time in their lives. Furthermore, the values, opinions and sources expressed in his music reflect positively on the values of this Catholic institution. Refuting evidence, clinging strongly to what others perceive as hoaxes, and using poorly chosen words to describe women have long been the foundational tenets of the Catholic church, so we’re proud to see our Campus Activities Board bringing in such great talent.”
The American rap artist and record producer, whose hit singles include “HeadBand,” “Airplanes,” and “Magic,” was long-rumored the main act at the annual spring concert. Many of the Jesuits living on campus expressed gratitude that C.A.B. had booked B.o.B, an artist to whom they could relate.
“A pre-Copernican system of astronomical, spiritual and political beliefs is something that we’ve really been missing,” explained Fr. Justin DeNiall, S.J. “Louis The Child just didn’t connect with us very well, except for all the stuff about ‘slowing down love.’”
At press time, B.o.B was seen brushing up on his Catchetisms, hoping to make Modstock the kickoff of his next globe-trotting tour.