Boston College Unveils New Jesuit Values Following Growing Union Power
ST. MARY’S HALL — Father Kevin, S.J. and his team of competent, ethical elites have been working on something big. The Jesuits at Boston College, under the direction of the Human Resources Department have unveiled a new set of Jesuit values to replace the tired, old set everyone has grown to hate.
Gone is the self reflection at the core of the Jesuit mission, and it its place is a righteous knowledge that Boston College is always Correct and Good.
Growing support for the graduate student workers’ union proved inconvenient for the university to maintain the old values of a Jesuit institution. The Human Resources office, however, recognized the power of the “we’re Jesuit, so we win” argument and proposed these new defining core values.
An email from the Boston College Human Resources department reads: “Tired: Forming and Educating Agents of Change. Wired: Forming and Educating Agents of Staying Exactly the Same.”
The new Jesuit values will include shoddily constructed verbal backpedaling around issues of “Unity Heart, Mind, and Soul” that the Old Values seemed to harp on and on about. And finally we will hear the end of that disgustingly politically correct sentiment of “Men and Women for Others.”
Now, Jesuits are focused on creating “Men and Women for Their Boss.”
A focus on the supremacy of the elite was an important distinction for the university to make. Now, it is clear why the employees of the university cannot unionize. In fact, one of the new values explicitly states “No Unions,” just in case there was any doubt.
The decision of the university is final and unwavering. Like history has shown time and time again, direct action of the organized masses (that far outnumber the elites) will accomplish absolutely nothing.