Paid Off By BC Administrators, God Rains Out Climate Justice Rally
EARTH — Due to a heavy rainfall, Tuesday afternoon’s Climate Justice at Boston College rally was forced to relocate from O’Neill Plaza to the Vanderslice Cabaret room. Although no foul play was suspected at first, an anonymous source has since come forward to confess that this was no mere “April shower.”
Rather, the day’s torrential downpour was in fact a divine intervention carried out by God himself, specifically at the request of an unspecified group of top Boston College administrators. Although the source couldn’t get too deep into the specifics of the deal, it seems as if The Creator of the Universe was somehow convinced—perhaps with a financial incentive—to side against a movement which advocates for the preservation of our planet.
“The weatherman said it would be a sunny fifty-five degrees, perfect weather for a fossil fuel divestment rally and loud student voices,” explained BC environmental studies professor Dr. Wen Di. “But I suppose the Lord, and the Boston College administration, had other plans in store for today.”
Already reeling from this confusing discovery, the university’s top theological and philosophical minds are now contemplating exactly how God Almighty could have possibly been enticed to rain out the event.
“It makes sense that Boston College would want to suppress its students voices,” admitted Fr. Ron McJesus, S.J., who added that he was confused by how human beings convinced God to do such a thing. “How do you bribe the Being who has—and has created—everything? It just doesn’t make sense.”
Many distraught Climate Justice club members have been spotted shaking their fists at crosses throughout campus, angrily denouncing God for committing this morally questionable act. Martin O’Malley, the visiting law professor and former Maryland governor who spoke at the divinely sabotaged event, issued a statement of his disappointment in the Lord’s choice: “The only thing stronger than my love of God is my intense hatred for rain. Dick move, God.”
At press time, God could be seen whipping down Comm Ave in a fat new BMW, which may or may not have been a hybrid.