OPINION: Sex Must Be A Sin, Because I Was Never Offered Any
By Fr. Sebastian R. Cocksworth, S.J.
There’s been a lot of talk around campus lately about “Hookup Culture,” and what its place should be in a modern Catholic university. As a long-serving member of the Jesuit community here at Boston College, I would like to politely remind all our students that there is indisputable evidence supporting the Church’s position that sex before marriage is deeply unethical, sinful behavior. So let’s face the facts, open our ears, and get to the bottom of the problem with premarital sex.
The primary evidence behind our stance is that in college, I was never offered any sex. Not even once. As a matter of fact, I wasn’t offered any after college either, which definitely isn’t the reason I became a priest. The only explanation for this is the inextricably sinful nature of sexual relationships! Back in the 60’s, when I got my degree, nobody was having any premarital sex at all. I mean, how could anyone possibly be in love with another person AND want to penetrate them at the same time? It just doesn’t make sense. If sex was supposed to happen in college, I definitely would have been asked.
Now men, remember: women in college don’t want to be sexed; they want a man to sit them down and domesticate them. Plus, I’m told that the first time people have sex is generally the smoothest and most pleasurable, so why wouldn’t you want to experience the magic of two people trying to have sex for the first time on your wedding night?
As a Jesuit and a professor, it’s my job to carry on the legacy of the Catholic Church, which taught me to “do unto others as was once done unto myself.” Since no one has ever done the sex unto me, I must ensure that it will never be done unto any innocent child of God. And because my beliefs directly influence each and every person at this institution, I must remind you all: pleasure is temporary, but damnation is forever.