BCPD Stops Alleged “Die-In” Protest at 3:47am in Bapst
157 Boston College students are under investigation for staging a die-in protest in Bapst Library. Boston College, which recently punished students for harmlessly laying down and practicing their right to protest in St. Mary’s, has been on red alert lately.
“We’re really keeping a vigilant eye out for inappropriate protests on campus,” said BCPD officer Don Bunderson. “These students in Bapst library were no exception. It was 3:47 in the morning, and these students were all knocked out cold. Some were faking dead while lying on their keyboards, while others were faking dead sitting straight up in their chairs. Others, the really dedicated ones, were faking dead on the floor.”
“As a member of BCPD, it’s my job to keep law and order around these parts,” continued Bunderson. “Just as St. Mary’s isn’t an appropriate site to protest because Jesuits live there, the library isn’t an appropriate site to protest because students study there. With this logic, there is no appropriate space to study on campus, because people are doing things everywhere. Therefore, I’ve made it my personal duty to thwart any sign of protest as soon as it strikes, so that peace may be upheld.”
“This is my campus. Do-gooders and protesters, beware. Boston College and BCPD will find you, we will take pictures of you, and we will vaguely punish you with our different levels of probation. Oooo! Probation! Isn’t that a scary word? Now, if I could think of another thing you kids need, it’s prohibition. Y’all drink way too much. It’s concerning. Just drink in moderation, you know? I like us better when we’re relatively sober.”
“But I digress,” concluded Bunderson.
When asked about the possibility that the students in the library were just sleeping, Bunderson responded, “No, that’s absolutely ridiculous.”
Bunderson promised he will be keeping a vigilant eye out for other such protests, and hints that he’d even “break down a few doors in the sake of justice” to make sure students aren’t staging die-in protests in their own beds.
At press time, Boston College students were confused because their university didn’t seem to be upholding its own motto, “men and women for others.”