The New England Classic
BC To Implement Safe Space for Conservative Students
REAL AMERICA — Much to the dismay campus conservatives, “PC Culture” has been plaguing colleges across the country, most recently at Yale. This sea... BC To Implement Safe Space for Conservative Students

REAL AMERICA — Much to the dismay campus conservatives, “PC Culture” has been plaguing colleges across the country, most recently at Yale. This sea change in campus climate has brought tense discussions on privilege, race, gender, sexual preference and identity, and socioeconomic brackets to the forefront of the national media. Understandably, the sect of Boston College’s conservatives that don’t take kindly to conversation or change are uncomfortable and feel they deserve a “safe space” before this threat looming over their lifestyle reaches Chestnut Hill.

Ever eager to address the concerns of its entire student body, the administration of Boston College has worked with the White Americans Stalling Progressive Suggestions (WASPS) to dedicate a “safe space” for traditionally conservative students who’ve had enough with the “liberal, uninformed, politically correct, over-sensationalized culture” at Boston College. As a result, The Don’t Tread on Me Lounge, largely funded by Noah Murtackses ‘70, will be installed in the first floor of Carney tomorrow.

The idea for the lounge was inspired by liberal universities across America, who are creating their own safe spaces for usually liberal and underprivileged students who feel attacked and silenced on their campuses and in America. The WASPS have stated they’ve had enough with sneers and jeers that “oppress them for their very existence” when they bare their “Make America Great Again” hats and American flag Chubbies and retweet #meninist statements.

Instead of immersing students into potentially uncomfortable situations where they could unlearn problematic issues they propagate, the safe space will instead offer an echo chamber for all those who have been attacked by the relentless political correctness, that is most heavy at the relatively conservative institution Boston College. The Don’t Tread On Me Longue will feature 24/7 streaming of Fox News and computers already loaded with The Drudge Report and The Conservative Tribune. The lounge will also feature an impressive library featuring a wide variety of authors including: Ayn Rand, Ron Paul, Milton Friedman, Karl Rove, and even more Ayn Rand.

In the lounge space, thesauruses are provided for students who feel their letters about the persecution of honest, white, Christian men aren’t quite eloquent enough. The safe space also offers gatherings to popular outlets for seclusion among wealthy white Americans at elite country clubs and stuffy art societies. Frequent discussions are headed specifically around “God, Country, and Family” and where to buy large quantities long range .22 ammunition when “Obama the Socialist Muslim comes for everyone’s guns.” The atmosphere airs with the warmth of country music and Bruce Springsteen, and the occasion hip hop song to appropriate. But don’t worry: You don’t have to censor your language when singing along—you’re just trying to have a good time, after all. Damn the dirty cultural Marxists suggesting you shouldn’t say a racial slur with an inhumane history.

Anyone, not just conservatives, is welcome to enter the Don’t Tread On Me Longue. After all: #AllLivesMatter, as the campus conservatives will so proudly remind you. So if you’re finding yourself suffocated by those God-forsaken liberals, even though you have your gender, sexual orientation, race, education, and class privileges, head on over to Carney’s Don’t Tread On Me—as if the 338 acres of the Boston College campus, adorned with administrators who are silent on racial issues, aren’t already a safe enough space for xenophobic, outdated, and almost-on-the-wrong-side-of-history ideas!

At press time, university administrators thought they had done all they need to do to address issues of feeling comfortable on their Jesuit campus, adorned with men and women for others.