The New England Classic
Senior Completes Arduous Marathon Monday Drinking Training Regimen
Tout predicts that the hardest stretch of his Monday afternoon will occur roughly around 20 beers into the drinking marathon, which is widely referred... Senior Completes Arduous Marathon Monday Drinking Training Regimen

MILE 21 — After months of following a strict daily regimen, Boston College’s own Bern Tout (MCAS ‘16) announced today that he is confident that his arduous training will allow him to go the distance on Marathon Monday. Although Tout’s personal history with long-distance running consists only of two seasons of junior-high cross-country and an intense love for “that one part in Forrest Gump,” the 22 year-old film studies major did not allow himself to be dissuaded by friends and family once he announced his goal—to drink 26.2 beers in under one hour on the day of the Boston Marathon.

“At first, everyone I knew told me that I wasn’t in the proper physical condition, or that I hadn’t given myself enough time to build up the endurance that this sort of activity requires,” Tout explained. “But I’ve really been hitting it hard these past few months. At first, it was just a few drinks a day on a treadmill in the Plex, but I’ve seriously been upping my game ever since. My most grueling training exercises have included 5Kegs, Indian [Pale Ale] Runs, and even some sprints.”

It was at this point in the interview that Tout paused, pulled out a flask, and took a heavy swig before mumbling, “Sorry, did I say sprints? I meant spirits, my bad.”

Although he concedes that this endeavor is certainly a personal challenge, Tout believes that he will be representing more than just himself on Marathon Monday. “There is an entire community—some might even call it a culture—based around drinking here at Boston College, and I’m ready to be the breakout star. I’m doing this for everyone who has ever thrown up or been hospitalized, I’m doing this for each and every… What’s the word for an alcohol enthusiast?”

Tout took a moment to think, hiccup, and burp (not necessarily in that order) and then exclaimed, “Oh right, an alcoholic!”

The senior stressed that his effort to forge an iron liver hasn’t been his only form of training for the big day. In recent weeks, he has scoured every last corner of The Facebook to put together the perfect Marathon Monday drinking outfit. His finished uniform consists of a tank top, fanny pack, bucket hat, thong, clerical collar and even an adult diaper, all of which are emblazoned with the text “Mile 21” and probably a shitty outline of Gasson or something. Tout also mentioned that he recognizes the specific challenges posed by the Boston Marathon in particular, and therefore has been starting his days with an ice-cold Guinness™ for the past six weeks. Tout reports that several independent studies have found ice-cold  Guinness™ correlates with a higher level of alcohol dehydrogenase in the liver, which leads to a higher alcohol tolerance. Tout added that “being a fucking champ” doesn’t hurt one’s tolerance, either.

At press time, Tout predicted that the hardest stretch of his Monday afternoon will occur roughly around 20 beers into the drinking marathon, which is widely referred to as the infamous “Heart Failure Hill.”

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