2150 Earnestly Hoping To Be Named After Old, Rich Donor Or Jesuit

COMM AVE — With summer quickly approaching and the fall semester on deck, the final touches are being put on Boston College RA’s newest hunting ground: the 2150 Commonwealth Avenue Residence Hall. Among other things, the state-of-the-art dormitory will feature a coffee bar, multiple bathrooms per suite, and terrific views of sophomores crossing Commonwealth Avenue on weekend nights to go to off-campus parties where they know nobody.

As it nears completion, 2150 is reportedly anxiously wondering if it will be lucky enough to be named after an old, rich male. “I’m not just a number!” demanded 2150. “I have higher aspirations than 90 and 66. Those are low-energy residence halls without donors or Jesuits. Donors and Jesuits are winners. I dream of being like Fr. Walsh or, hell, maybe I’ll even be a prodigious donor like a Rubenstein or a Vanderslice! The possibilities of old, rich men or old, celibate Jesuits that I can be named after is endless. Dare I call myself Leahy Hall? Flutie Hall? No! Not so fast! Be patient, 2150. Be patient. You’ll find out who you are in due time.”

When pressed by reporters, Boston College spokesperson Jim Niffun refused to comment with specifics: “Look, we just don’t know who it’s going to be named after, if it even is named after someone,” said Niffun. “What I can tell you, however, is that the individual will likely be someone who owns a place in Martha’s Vineyard and still longs for the day when Jack Kennedy was in the Oval Office. You know? Someone just has to cough up the cash, first.” While Niffun said 2150’s being named after a woman was “out of the question,” he added that its being named after a minority was “equally preposterous at a university of tradition.”

Last week, it was reported by an insider in the Leahy administration that BC was approached by an affluent alumnus named Jack O’Donogan (MCAS ‘54), who said he would donate $7 million in order to have 2150 named after him. However, being an avid Trump supporter, O’Donogan demanded that only legacy students be allowed to live in 2150. He requested some kind of wall to be kept inside to keep the “lesser” Eagles out, reported the inside source.

“This used to be a fine institution run by nice Irish, Catholic families,” O’Donogan said over the phone from his home in Back Bay. “Then it started to get overrun by diverse heathens from all walks of life. Rubenstein? That’s curiously Jewish. Sad!”

At press time, it was also rumored that the administration was considering naming the dorm after Michelle Orderoutsky (CSON ‘18), a sophomore who has recently gifted the University a generous donation of $1400 in leftover dining bucks.

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