Spooky! My Life Sucks Because I Didn’t Send that Text Chain in Sixth Grade
DUCHESNE EAST — Everyone remembers those annoying chain texts you used to pass around in grade school. While most consider these messages to be the perfect excuse to block someone, for others they can have devastating consequences. Missy Fortune (MCAS ‘24) is the unfortunate victim of one of these cursed texts.
“It all started when I was twelve, after I ignored a chain text one of my so-called friends sent me. I should have known to take the ghoul’s curse seriously,” Fortune told the Classic, right before her laptop spontaneously combusted in her backpack. “I was so innocent then. I only realized the entire thing was real once a demon started living in my kitchen. That’s when I knew it was over for me.”
Ever since that day, Fortune has been the victim of a long string of bad luck. “Every guy I try to hook up with says they can’t handle my ‘demonic vibes.’ And I’m just like, that’s not me, that’s the demon forever bound to torment me since I didn’t share that message with ten close friends. But they never seem to care.”
Fortune’s misfortune followed her to BC, where for four years straight she has repeatedly failed and been forced to retake Lynne O’Connell’s General Chemistry Lab. “I was hoping that starting college would let me escape my eternal curse, but if anything I think it only made it worse,” Said Fortune, as she took her still-wet laundry out of the dryer. “I mean, I’ve been stuck on Newton all four years. I don’t think that should even be possible.”
Fortune’s peers are well aware of her bad luck. “She’s nice and all, I guess,” Said Jeanie Faith (CSOM ‘27), Fortune’s roommate. “It’s just hard to hang out with her when she’s constantly getting attacked by crows telling her that she’ll pay for her wicked hubris. It’s kind of a bummer.”
Despite her life being a living nightmare, Fortune hopes that her story could help others. “Anyone can be a victim of a wicked ghoul’s eternal curse. I want people to think next time they receive a chain text: Is this just spam, or is it an opportunity for a mischievous, malevolent spirit to ruin your life? Choose wisely.”
At press time, The New England Classic was reminding readers to share this article with at least five friends, lest they be haunted for all time.