Pumpkin Sues BC EMS For Botched Surgery
GABELLI HALL — Dreams of a blissful thot-umn were thrown into uncertainty when news broke that Doctorina Miami (CSON ‘22), Vice President of Boston College EMS, was being sued for medical malpractice and emotional distress by a pumpkin she carved earlier this week.
“I was just trying to be festive,” said Miami. “Like, yeah, all of my past jack-o’-lanterns have been failures, but malpractice makes perfect. I don’t know, I’m in CSON, so people don’t usually expect me to have made any mistakes in my life.”
Miami’s roommate, Steph O’Scope (CSON ’22), says she’s often awoken in the middle of the night with nightmares of Miami’s shoddy and negligent craftsmanship.
“That pumpkin was a perfect ten. Symmetrical, smooth flesh, the perfect amount of rotundity. If she had just listened to what the pumpkin requested, just a little button nose and an eyebrow lift, she wouldn’t have been hit with a court summons.”
Other pumpkins, operated on by Miami’s roommates, confirmed that their litigious cousin was exhibiting symptoms of severe depression and was, indeed, offensively and horrifically ugly now.
“I hope this sends a message to all students attempting to carve pumpkins without a real medical license,” said O’Scope’s pumpkin, who had Bella Hadid’s exact face. “Halloween is supposed to be the greatest time of a pumpkin’s life, and now I literally want to vomit candy corn when I look at [Miami’s pumpkin]. A real butter face.”
At press time, the self-conscious pumpkin was spotted in Miami’s common room window, gauzed in decorative cobwebs purchased from the Bapst location of the popular seasonal franchise “Spirit Halloween”. It will reportedly be auditioning to appear on the reality television series Botched.