Arrupe Volunteer Gave Me A Wedgie And Stole My Lunch Money

LOWER LIVE — Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary defines Arrupe (verb) as “to swindle, bamboozle, charm, guilt trip, or beat the shit out of someone in order to get their dining dollars.” As the leaves drop from the trees and fall gives way for winter, break is on the forefront of many minds in the student body. While normal students look forward to quality family time, the opportunity to rest and recover, and the cherished memories of their hometown; some more adventurous eagles are ready to have the trip of a lifetime thanks to your generous donation to the cause. 

Numerous reports have detailed the actions of a group of organized criminals on campus, and this time we aren’t talking about the Catholic Church. Wait– scratch that, this Arrupe shit is religious too…are you fucking kidding me?!? Nonetheless, hooligans and cartoon playground villains alike have flocked to the dining halls in search of a free ride to a developing country. 

Shrouded in the mystique of do-goodery and philanthropy, these “arrupites,” as The Classic calls them, greet hungry students with puppy eyes, outstretched palms, and wide open pockets. Arrupe is their name and greed is their game.

Some brave students have been strong enough to turn up the volume on their headphones in an attempt to tune out these pleas and begs for meal plan money. Others, in a much more revolutionary light, have even spoken up and said “no.” However, “no” is not in the Arrupe dictionary but “extortion” is.

“When I told him ‘no’ and that I needed the meal plan money to eat my first meal of the weekend, he hoisted me up by my ankles, flipped me upside down, and rattled me until the few pieces of spare change I had in my pockets poured out. Then he plundered the coins, gave me a monster wedgie, and jammed my head in the toilet,” recounted one victim of the Arrupe Cartel. Once the tactics of playground bullies, now the everyday activity of Arrupites looking for the opportunity to look at poor people in developing countries.

“Have you done a good deed today?” “Boy, aren’t you handsome?” “Nice shoes… They got money in ‘em?” All of these are how the Arrupites approach one of their victims in order to reel them in. A popular hook of the Arrupites is, “Gimme your money or I’ll slit your throat, slut!” Chilling words from a so-called “man or woman for others.”

At press time, a horde of arrupites were seen packing binoculars and cliff bars to watch people in other countries struggle to survive… and not do a damn thing about it.

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