The New England Classic
Wait, Are People Still Having Sex?
CHESTNUT HILL—In recent days, alarming reports filed all over campus have shed new light on a previously unknown trend that apparently has affected the entire academic year: students have been having sex this entire time. The New England Classic inquired further in order to assess the veracity of these... Read more
10 Things I’d Rather Do Than Be At The Boston Logan International Airport
Live on CoRo all four years. I’d rather make the commute from exile every damn day than have to walk the marathon from the parking garage to the check-in desk even once.  Talk to Molly’s owner for longer than .2 seconds. I’d give that man my instagram handle- hell,... Read more
Yikes: BC Dining Ordered Too Many Clams
LOWER LIVE AT CORCORAN COMMONS — In a bid to maintain transparency on campus, Boston College Dining Services announced Thursday morning that they mistakenly ordered an overabundance of clams for the kitchen’s monthly food stock. “We know how much students enjoy the pungent scent of freshly fried clams on... Read more
Wicked Pissah: Roommate Has Strong Stream
WALSH HALL — Students were disrupted late Sunday night by what reportedly sounded like a firehose from the bathroom of Suite 304. Reports indicate that this was no ordinary tinkle, but instead was categorized by Boston-based experts as a “Wicked Pissah.” The Classic obtained access to reports from the... Read more
“BC Before Dark” To Offer Sippy Cups For Little Stupid Babies Who Can’t Drink

“For the first time in a long time, I feel seen,” said Smalls Gerber (MCAS ’22)”

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16 Signs There’s A Furry Sleeping Next To You

“In front of Gasson, they give what sounds like a deep, guttural bark back at Molly. Actually, it was probably towards her owner. You forgive it immediately.”

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Class of 2019 To Receive Second Commencement

“I just feel like our time at BC came to an end so quickly, and there were so many more things I wanted to do my senior year,” said Josh Layden (MCAS ’19). “I mean, I was just so busy all year having a blast at Mod parties, going to MA’s, hanging out in sizable groups of nine or more, and enjoying all the perks that come with senior year. This second commencement is a great opportunity for all of us to get back on campus together, and make the most of the weekend.”

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University Approves Pine Manor Conjugal Visits

“We want to take this opportunity to support our married students in their quest to be fruitful and multiply, even if they might have COVID-19.”

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Happy For Him: The Guy That Left Us a Year Ago Is Experiencing Great Success

We enjoyed the time we had together, and trust us, there is no bad blood between us. Everything happens for a reason, right? We have been taking this opportunity to focus on ourselves and it has been really rewarding.

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Sustainability Pledge: Pee In Your Brita

“I know it may sound like it violates several health codes and personal boundaries, but it’s perfectly clean. I promise your body can provide for you all on its own, if you just expand your mind a little,” said the leader of the rag-tag group of activists, Reese Eichel (MCAS ’23).

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