The New England Classic
BREAKING: Addazio’s Parents Have Other Son’s Parents’ Weekend, Will Miss Wake Forest Game
THE ADDAZIO RESIDENCE — Boston College head football coach Steve Addazio’s parents, Guy and Jude Addazio, will miss the team’s Parents’ Weekend matchup against the Wake Forest Demon Deacons this Saturday, as the couple reportedly informed their son they will once again have to miss Boston College’s Parents’ Weekend... Read more
Student Vapers Decide To Play It Safe And Chain Smoke Cigarettes
RICHDALE FOOD SHOPS — After Governor Charlie Baker finalized the state-wide vape ban on Tuesday, Boston College Juulers announced their plans to take the “responsible course of action” and begin chain smoking cigarettes until electronic vaping devices are declared completely safe.  “I know exactly how horrible cigarettes are for... Read more
Feminism Win: This Woman Slept With Her Professor To Get A Better Grade, But Didn’t Let Him Finish
STOKES HALL 324S — Late Monday evening, young feminist Natasha Meyer (CSOM ’21) delivered a major blow to the patriarchy by sleeping with her professor to receive a better grade on an exam — without letting him finish.  After receiving a failing midterm grade, Meyer wasted no time in... Read more
Innocent Virgin Grass Gets Pounded By 2,500 Co-Eds
STOKES LAWN — 2,500 hot college teens had their way with Boston College’s best piece of grass this weekend at the annual Stokes Set concert. Never before have we seen grass get slammed like this.  Hugh Johnson (CSON ‘22) was one of the many students all up in the... Read more
Roommate’s Sex Playlist Has Too Many Disney Songs
VANDERSLICE HALL — Elizabeth Maretti (MCAS ’22) was reportedly extremely uncomfortable Saturday evening when her roommate’s boyfriend stayed the night.  “I mean first of all the common room couches do not offer much back support, and also my childhood was ruined,” Maretti said of roommate’s sex playlist consisting of... Read more
Psych Major Drops Out: “I’m Tired Of This Neuroscience B.S.”
HIGGINS HALL — Senior neuroscience major Emma McArthur reportedly threw in the towel on Tuesday evening and decided to drop out of Boston College just two semesters away from completing her degree. The night of the breakdown, McArthur was sitting in her Psychophysiology Of Stress class. Classmates on the... Read more
Shocking: 23andMe Results Reveal Baldwin The Eagle Is 12% Hawk

The test results also showed trace amounts of falcon and beagle. BC students reported feeling “shocked”, “upset”, and “aroused.”

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Maintenance Crew Continuing Repairs On Addazio-Sized Hole In Wall Of Alumni Stadium Media Room Following Kansas Post-Game Press Conference
ALUMNI STADIUM MEDIA ROOM — It was reported early Saturday morning that members of the Boston College maintenance crew have begun work to patch up the Steve Addazio-sized hole in the wall of the Alumni Stadium media room following the head coach’s post-game press conference at the conclusion of... Read more
Fucking Idiot In Mailroom Doesn’t Know Shelf Number
WALSH HALL — Certified idiot Max Mortimer (CSOM ‘22) arrived at the Walsh mailroom Friday afternoon intending to somehow pick up a package without knowing his shelf number.  Bystanders and mailroom employees looked on as Mortimer searched his email for the vital code like a dumbass.  “Uh, I have... Read more
“For Boston, For Boston Hummdssaee Freahain” Sings Student Body
ALUMNI STADIUM — Following a Boston College Eagles’ touchdown against the Richmond Spiders last Saturday, hundreds of football fans broke into a celebratory rendition of the school’s fight song.  Stephen Montgomery (CSOM ‘23) and his friends from Keyes South proudly sang the first two lines of the song they... Read more