Circle Tavern Installs Bright Lights, Hockey Team Fails to Show Up
Campus CultureDrinkingSports April 1, 2025
“Ah, y’know, umm, when we were performing in that forgiving, low-stakes environment, y’know it’s just an all-out assault on the [bar-]tendy, throwing a lot of [Jägermeister] shots back,” said another player who could never finish his shots. “But now that they installed the bright lights, that high-pressure environment just became too much for us.”
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“Just then, he realized his grave mistake. He had applied and been accepted into CSON — The Connell School of Nursing, not CSOM — The Carroll School of Management. “
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UGBC President Signs 17 Executive Orders On First Day of Administration
Big IssuesCampus CultureStudent Life March 26, 2025
In line with global political trends, the administration plans to implement projects that, in the words of one genius commentator, “make shit fucking suck even more than it already does”
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Guy Spent 5 Hours On Bracket But 20 Minutes on Group Project
Campus CultureSportsStudent Life March 24, 2025
His slides consisted of him ranking freshmen in Gonzaga and Xavier by height because he thought they were playing in the tournament.
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LTE: I’m The Fountain Outside Of Gasson Hall, And I Gave Up Water For Lent
Campus CultureLTE March 20, 2025
“I am a fountain that doesn’t even have fucking water in it. It was a stupid thing to give up water for Lent. I only did it because Fr. Leahy told me that if I wanted to stay on this Jesuit campus I had to engage with my faith more.”
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Day In The Life Of A UGBC VP Candidate
Campus CultureStudent Life March 19, 2025
I start every morning with affirmations, not for myself, but for the entirety of Foster Street. I shout “You are brave, you are kind, and you are smart” from my rooftop
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Splitting the G? You Mean Splitting My G-Friendships in Housing Week?
Dorm StuffFreshmenResLife March 17, 2025
Molly Malone (MCAS ’28) believed her seven “literal besties” planned to split into blocked quads when they didn’t get an 8-man pick time. When she learned they skipped quad day to try for a 6-man, things got messier than freshmen at Circle.
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“We didn’t even really do anything that bad, but I guess it was important to say something ahead of these St. Patty’s [sic] Day shenanigans,” read their attempt at an apology. “Sure, we might’ve reduced their discipline to a wee minor, bastardized their entire language, and deliberately poisoned all potatoes in their breakroom, but can I get a sláyyy-ante?!”
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Local Royalist Turns Ginger Run into Running of the Bulls
AbroadCampus CultureDrinkingHolidays March 14, 2025
“Y’know I was eight pints deep making da rounds ‘round Mod 18B moving like a priest at last call, and next ting y’know I’m horn-to-arse with a feckin’ bull charging at me like I owed it a fiver,” said Róisín MacDonagh, one of 17 redheads on the BC Irish Dance team. “My heart still felt for the poor ting y’know. Probably had no granny who loved him. No granpappy to sing it lullabies, let me tell ya.”
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The Fleet’s application demographic has skewed prominently female, with a high concentration of Philosophy, Art History, and Political Science majors. “I mean me and all the girls studied abroad in Amsterdam last spring, and it was truly life changing,” said Didi Telyaistudydabrawd (MCAS ‘25).
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