Uh Oh: Your Babygirl Hockey “Boyfriend” Is A Freshman
CONTE FORUM — With the BC men’s hockey team being announced number one in the nation, many students have gained interest in the team and are attending more games. For some, the increase in attendance is due to students’ love for the sport, but for others, it may or may not relate to how “pookie” and “babygirl” the players are.
Peddy Phile (MCAS ‘24) knows nothing about the rules of hockey, but she sure does know every piece of public (and some private) information about the players. “I just think they’re all so hot. I really don’t give a shit about the score, I just love it when all of my boyfriends play well because whatever makes them happy, makes me happy!”
Phile’s friend, Nora Mal (CSON ‘24), spoke to members of The Classic; “Peddy told me she did an ‘everything shower’ before the most recent game ‘just in case’ as if she wasn’t literally sitting in the very back corner of the upper bowl dressed the exact same as every other student. I tried to explain to her that this obsession was a little weird considering a lot of the players are freshmen and recently celebrated their eighteenth birthday, but she shut me down quickly.”
The Classic compiled this list of important situations that these freshman boys you are obsessing over cannot yet do.
- Drive without a parent in the passenger seat: they spent so much time thinking about hockey, they never actually made it further than getting a driver’s permit.
- Legally drink: They are 18, you are 22, it is weird. If they can not get alcohol from Res, then maybe they shouldn’t be your “boo”.
- Get into the Mods for tailgates: This is humbling in itself, but to make it worse, the freshmen can’t even get into Walsh yet! But yeah, Upper is really cool too.
“STOP HE IS LITERALLY MY CUTIE PIE BOYFRIEND,” interrupted a very angered Phile. “Why won’t you let me be happy!”
At press time, Phile was found crying outside of Conte after finding out all of these players have age-appropriate significant others, and will never know Peddy exists.