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Entire Dorm Chants “Kairos”, Public School Freshman Scared And Confused

Campus Culture Dorm Stuff Freshmen October 6, 2020

UPPER CAMPUS — Last Saturday night, hundreds of desperate freshmen swarmed Upper Campus in an attempt to meet fellow first-years. Once there, however, reports state that a “large, rabid circle” formed on the basketball court and began chanting in unison while a freshman in the middle rolled back and... Read more

Woah! Helicopter!

Campus Culture Student Life October 5, 2020

BOSTON COLLEGE — The Classic received a stream of reports about helicopters hovering over campus this morning, an event aerophile communities consider both “gratuitous aerial distraction” and “still super cool”. The sight left many speechless, but one junior captured the experience vividly. “So I was just like in my... Read more

University Suspends Three Persons of God for Violating Guest Policy

Coronavirus Dorm Stuff Drinking October 5, 2020

“After we stuffed the Holy Spirit behind the shower curtain, I tried to explain that we’re Three Persons, One God, so we should be exempt… they couldn’t seem to grasp the concept. BC is really going to regret doing this. Do they know who my Father is?”

“Who Even Gives A Shit Anymore?”: Furry Spotted On Newton Campus

Dorm Stuff Freshmen Sex October 1, 2020

“Yeah, man, I guess this sort of thing used to be a big deal. Any other week, honestly. But none of us can be bothered to give this kid the gaping, slack-jawed, sickened glares he’s so clearly begging for.”

NFL Football Fans Sport Cute Little Costumes

Uncategorized September 30, 2020

WALSH HALL — With the fall semester underway at Boston College and no social events for the foreseeable future, Eagles on campus remain anxious about what the upcoming months will look like. Despite so much uncertainty, some hope was restored among much of the student body earlier this month... Read more

Records Reveal Boston College Has Paid $0 In Income Tax For 150 Years

Big Issues Leahy School WTF September 29, 2020

LINDEN LANE — Owing to an anonymous source, The Classic has obtained Boston College’s tax records dating back to the early 1870s, giving the clearest picture of the University’s finances to date and revealing centuries of chronic tax evasion and seemingly complete impunity from the United States’ tax code.... Read more

Cardboard Cutouts File Out Of Alumni At Halftime

Coronavirus Sports Student Life September 28, 2020

“If I can contribute to the team by giving them the familiar sense of an empty stadium at halftime, regardless of the score, just so we can all go home and do literally nothing, well I’m happy to do it.”

OPINION: I’m A Water Fountain. Why Don’t You Want To Touch Me Anymore?

Campus Culture Sex September 24, 2020

You’ve passed me hundreds of times, and you’ve touched me more than I can count. I would be lying if I said I didn’t always crave those brief moments of contact between us, your lips close to mine, my fluid draining into your thirsty mouth. Our encounters weren’t always... Read more

BC Defends Testing Inaccuracies: “We Were Grading On A Curve”

Campus Culture Coronavirus September 23, 2020

SAINT MARY’S HALL — In response to recent charges of negligence and misreporting, Boston College representatives have released statements defending its testing strategy. “Look, this is college, right?” reported University Spokesperson, Jack Dunn, “And what do you do in college? Anyone? Okay fine, I’ll tell you: you grade on... Read more

7% Tuition Increase Used to Give CSOM Students Special Snacks

Student Life WTF September 22, 2020

“With enough preparation, they should be able eat like grown-ups by the time they make it to the break room at Goldman Sachs.”