Alarming: Hundreds of Students Would Rather Be In New Jersey
CENTRAL JERSEY — With the Thanksgiving ultimatum taking effect this past week, students have been forced to choose whether they will remain at school or return to their families for the holidays. While some understandably yearn for the sunny beaches of California, a shocking number of students bid farewell to the Heights to return to their homes in New Jersey. Worse, numerous sources indicate that such students are “excited” to return to the Armpit of America.
“It’s been a nice change of scenery,” said Taylor O’Ham, a Ridgewood New Jersey resident and MCAS ’23. O’Ham, who left his 8-man to return home to New York’s Taint, has reportedly spent the majority of the past week in his basement playing “Call of Duty.”
“It’s like, if I get contact traced there, me and the boys will just quarantine down the shore with some hoagies and a few pork rolls,” said Thom Phlanagan. (CSOM ‘22)
Some students had more sentimental reasons for returning to the slimy, spray-tanned underbelly of the coastal elite.
“I’m just happy to get to spend time with my family,” said Carmela Sorpano (LSOE ‘20), who drove home in a separate car from both of her parents.
At press time, hundreds of New Jerseryan students were queued up at the Newton Center Shell station, waiting for someone else to pump their gas.