Six Polite Ways To Get Your Roommates To Stop Listening To Christmas Music Before Thanksgiving
This year, several time-honored Boston College traditions are notably absent from Chestnut Hill. Be it blacking out in a parking lot before watching half of a football game and passing out in the stands of Alumni Stadium or avoiding eye contact at all costs with that girl you sloppily made out with in that Mod last Saturday — as the Fall semester continues to progress without so many familiar constants, there is apparently still one baffling tradition that cannot be killed by a virus: listening to Christmas music before Thanksgiving.
Have your roommates already started listening to Christmas music? Did they transition from “Monster Mash” to Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas” seemingly overnight? Do serenades from Grammy-award winning artist Mariah Carey wake you up in the morning? Do these questions cause a rage to boil inside of you?
If you answered “yes” or “possibly” or “I CANNOT THINK STRAIGHT ENOUGH TO READ THIS BECAUSE THAT CATCHY SNOWMISER/HEATMISER SONG FROM The Year Without a Santa Claus IS ALREADY STUCK IN MY HEAD,” we have you covered with six polite ways to get your roommates to stop playing Christmas music so early.
1. Lock them in their room with “Last Christmas” by Wham! playing on repeat for eight hours. If they want to listen to Christmas music, let them have at it! Not only will this cause lasting psychological trauma, but it will ensure that they never want to hear a Christmas song (or any other song by Wham!) ever again.
2. Freeze all their clothes. Surely, anybody who is so invested in the Christmas season must also love the weather that comes with it. Give them an authentic Boston winter by soaking their clothes in water and freezing them. They’ll love it!
3. Fill their ears with cement. When they’re sleeping, mix two parts packaged concrete with one part water and stir. Once it’s well mixed, apply the concoction generously into each ear canal. Once it dries, listening to Christmas music will be the last thing on their mind.
4. Read them Frosty the Snowman fanfiction. The Christmas season’s already started, eh? Well, two can play at that game. Whenever your pal decides to sing a holiday diddy, respond by Googling “frosty the snowman erotic fanfiction” and reading aloud what Hinkle the magician really did to Frosty’s snowy shaft on the train ride up to the North Pole.
5. Waterboard them with eggnog. Nothing gets someone into the Christmas spirit like an ice cold glass of Yuletide cheer. Just place a festive red and green towel over their face, pour a glass of eggnog or two over it, and they’ll agree in no time that Michael Bublé is an international treasure to be enjoyed only after your Aunt Jeanine has left the guest room and all the leftover stuffing is gone.
6. Sit them down to watch The Santa Clause, and then “accidentally” put on The Santa Clause 3. There’s no more surefire way to set a room abuzz than by invoking the name Tim Allen. Make it seem like you’re all going to enjoy a timeless Christmas classic together and then BAM, fool them into watching easily the worst installment of the Santa Clause trilogy. Martin Short’s portrayal of Jack Frost will have your roommates yearning to roast their nuts on an open fire.