Guy Who Hates Christmas Ready To Make It His Whole Personality
VOUTÉ HALL — As the clock struck 12:00 A.M. on November 1st, many giddy students were reportedly whipping out their Christmas trees and cracking open the eggnog, ready to indulge in the most magical time of the year. Mariah Carey and Michael Bublé could be heard in almost every room of the building. That is, every room except one apartment: the home of Ebb E. Neezer (CSOM ’23).
Neezer was seen storming through the halls in an 18th century nightshirt, holding an oil lamp and pounding on the doors of his cheerful classmates. Neighbor Holly Day (LSOE ’23) said, “My roommates and I were just enjoying our evening, stringing lights in the living room, when all of a sudden there was a deafening knock on the door. When I opened the door, I was greeted by a fervent noise complaint from an angry man in a nightcap who looked like he could have been either 22 or 82.”
Neezer then proceeded to scurry away, muttering a frustrated “Bah Humbug” under his breath, right before tweeting, “I HATE CHRISTMAS” to his 42 followers and 4 super followers.
In fairness, quite a few students would probably agree with Neezer that November 1st is absolutely too early to be hearing “All I Want For Christmas Is You.” However, the means that Neezer takes to push the anti-Christmas agenda go beyond anything that most would condone.
“After my episode in the halls, I went on campus and burned down every tree out of fear that they might get covered in lights overnight.”
To Neezer’s surprise, every tree that he burned down had somehow been replaced by brand new trees by BC landscapers before sunrise. To his delight, though, none of the trees were fashioned with lights.
At press time, Neezer was being followed by a shadowy figure that looked eerily like the Grim Reaper. Our sources indicate that the strange entity goes by the name of ‘The Ghost of Christmas Early.’