The New England Classic
Temporary Outage in Gasson Lighting Causes BC to Plummet in College Rankings
LINDEN LANE —In an unexpected turn of events, U.S. News & World Report announced that Boston College has dropped 16 spots in its highly-regarded ranking of national universities. Although the Washington D.C.-based news outlet typically updates its list only once a year in September, U.S. News spokesperson Darby Trary... Read more
BC Athletics Downgrades ‘SuperFans’ to ‘OkayFans’

Consistent mediocrity appears to be SuperFan’s kryptonite.

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Boston Strong: This Freshman Almost Threw Up, But Didn’t!
COMM. AVE — In a display of strength and resolve to rival that of Boston’s colonial freedom fighters, freshman Brock Barth (MCAS ’19) reportedly fought and conquered the urge to vomit while watching today’s marathon. Barth had woken up at 6:00 AM to begin “crushing” the 36 pack of... Read more
Senior Completes Arduous Marathon Monday Drinking Training Regimen

Tout predicts that the hardest stretch of his Monday afternoon will occur roughly around 20 beers into the drinking marathon, which is widely referred to as the infamous “Heart Failure Hill.”

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The NEC Endorses An Autocratic Monarchy For UGBC Executive Presidency
FROM THE CLASSIC’S EDITORIAL BOARD: Like a potato reaching the apex of golden crispiness in an oven at a roasting 375ºF, the UGBC presidential campaign season is drawing near its end. After several contentious debates and extensive campaigning, the field has narrowed to only three teams, who have all... Read more
Econ Major Is Basically In CSOM, Okay?
NOT FULTON — Sitting in Devlin 008 during Environmental Geoscience and updating his resume and LinkedIn profile while searching for summer internships on Wall Street, sophomore Devin Gattison (MCAS ‘18) firmly reminded himself that he’s basically in CSOM, okay? Gattison, who deeply regrets not applying to be in CSOM... Read more
BC Unveils New Motto: “Men And Women For Others Who Are Straight And Have Two Working Legs”

“BC is a university built on tradition, and that means we must resist all pressures to change with the times.”

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Noble Students Embarking On Personal Service Trips Over Spring Break
LOGAN AIRPORT — With adulthood looming just around the corner, many of Boston College’s seniors plan to spend their Spring Breaks on “personal service trips” to Punta Cana. Sources confirm that seniors embark on these weeklong trips as a last-ditch effort to adhere to the traditional college experience. These... Read more
Juniors Desperately Praying To Live In Cramped Shithole

“I want to do terrible things inside that tiny domicile that I will not be able to get away with in the real world, when my JP Morgan internship inevitably turns into a full-time offer!”

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Study: “Hot, Sweaty, and Awkward” BC’s Most Common Party Theme
MCGUINN HALL — A groundbreaking anthropology study released Sunday morning revealed that Boston College’s most commonly used party theme is “Hot, Sweaty, and Awkward.” This finding stunned researchers, who initially hypothesized that “Flannels and Handles” or “Plex Bros and Yoga Hoes” was the favorite party theme of undergraduate Eagles.... Read more