University Suspends Three Persons of God for Violating Guest Policy
MALONEY HALL —Early Sunday morning, University officials reportedly suspended the Three Persons of God indefinitely, having caught them Saturday night in a six-man apartment in Rubenstein Hall. Last week, Boston College announced a revised guest policy in response to the growing number of COVID-19 cases, which reduced the number of guests allowed in student residence halls from one per resident in each room to a maximum of two guests total.
The University has decided to finalize the suspension, despite protests from the Three Persons themselves, and several Campus Ministry officials. These parties claim that the Three Persons are in fact One God, and therefore not in violation of the new policy.
Refusal to reverse the decision came much to the chagrin of the Three Persons. “This is ridiculous,” said the Son. “We were literally all just vibing, having a good time, and then these two RAs came in and told us there were one too many guests present. After we stuffed the Holy Spirit behind the shower curtain, I tried to explain that we’re Three Persons, One God, so we should be exempt… they couldn’t seem to grasp the concept. BC is really going to regret doing this. Do they know who my Father is?”
The RA on duty, Ben T.S. Pilate, described the Son as belligerent, repeatedly asking “Who do you say that I am?”
“Yeah, he was fucked up,” added Simon Zellott (MCAS ‘21), a roommate of the student who hosted the gathering. “He wouldn’t stop calling me Peter. I kept denying it, I must have told him at least three times.”
Senior Lucy Fer (CSOM ‘21), who lives in the basement of Rubenstein, reported that the intervention lasted almost 45 minutes. “They just couldn’t catch the Holy Spirit,” she added. “He ran past my room, like, three or four times, wrapped up in a shower curtain. He was literally everywhere.”
The gathering’s host, Yukki Rist (CSON ‘21), will also be suspended. Rist spoke with the Classic while moving her belongings out of her apartment, and noted that she was thankful the charges against her and her guests weren’t more severe. “I had my freshman mentee from APPA over just to hang out and get her off of Newton, and she was drinking wine all night. When the RAs came in I was really worried they were going to see that I served alcohol to a minor, but when I looked in her glass, it was just water. I would have hated to have been nailed for that too,” Rist said.
At press time, the three offenders were being led to the Logan Airport Shuttle, though the Son reported he only needed “three days max before I’m back in the game.”