The New England Classic Quarantine Guide
Starting your first, second, third, or sixth year of college in quarantine is, by all accounts, shitty. Without the chance to spew blue raspberry-flavored vomit across the handicap seat of the Comm Ave bus, nobody is sure exactly how to spend their debut night on the Heights. Luckily, we’ve spent the past six months dreaming up a few bedroom-friendly ways to make your #FirstNight a hit so you can start your worst year of college off on your best foot.
Create and manifest many lies
Assuming you haven’t been a dipshit, you probably spent the majority of this feature-length summer confined in the four walls of your childhood bedroom, interacting solely with your postmenopausal mother, primed-for-a-mid-life-crisis father, and nearly all of your inner demons. We suggest you take this time to collect your thoughts and brainstorm some stories to impress your friends with to make it seem like you’ve done more in the past half year than play The Sims 4 and contemplate starting an OnlyFans for your feet. So go ahead, take a deep breath, and practice your conversational skills in the mirror.
Drink your own piss
This one is especially useful for our friends living in traditional style housing with communal bathrooms. Not only do you avoid potential exposure to icky COVID-19 germs in the stalls, but you also conserve your ration of two water bottles allocated to each student! Would highly recommend to freshmen or the unlucky bastards living on CoRo.
Revisit the black/blue–gold/white dress and tweet about it to start a lively debate
Sick of stirring up political debates on your feed over whether Ben Shapiro has ever pleasured his wife before? So are we. Bring back this timeless argument, and maybe spice things up a little and throw in an unheard-of third color combo. Chrome and chartreuse? Why not. You’ll thank us later for all the riveting entertainment this is sure to produce.
Brew beer in your bathtub
This one requires a little preparation, so be sure to bring more yeast than you normally would to campus this fall. Returning to BC is a gamble in and of itself, so why not heighten the stakes and brew a homemade 50% ABV beverage (it’s a dodecahedral IPA) in your bathtub and sip it casually until you’re cleared by UHS? Save some money, avoid a risky trip to the store, and black out to pass the time! This should also come in handy for many ~nights in with the boys~ to come.
Receive bangs (self-inflicted)
Who doesn’t love some hair-induced post-summer attention!? Steer clear of scary, germ-and-Karen-infested hair salons and do it all by yourself, preferably utilizing the shitty, glue-covered, lefty classroom scissors your LSEHD roommate packed in your storage box by accident. You will not regret it. You look so cute! And not at all like an enormous toddler. Oh baby!
Start a podcast
This one is actually just a joke. We are not being serious on this one. This is for satire. Please do not start a podcast. Reading the news once a month and listening to four episodes of “The Daily” during quarantine does NOT make you qualified to give your opinion on current events. Everybody will say mean things to you about your podcast, especially about how you called it “The View From Inside” or “Social Differencing” or “QuaranTALES.” Seriously please don’t do it.