Hold The Phone: Molly Has A New Bitch
GASSON QUAD — The undergraduate population was buzzing with excitement on Wednesday when campus fixture Molly the Dog was spotted with a much younger black labrador named Maisie. After rumors circulated that Molly was about to take a long trip to a farm upstate, she reached out to The Classic.
“You fuckers have seen but a glimpse of my power,” Molly barked in a statement. “I am the mastermind behind all machinations regarding myself and Maisie. Despite what my human may plead, Maisie is not my ‘sister.’ She is mine. I allow ‘Tim’ to buy me my treats which are 100 percent all-natural, wheat, corn, soy, by-product and preservative-free, and then I piss on his rug. He is a puppet.”
Taylor Richardson (CSOM ’24), who has tagged Molly in 192 of her Instagram story posts just this month, offered some speculation. “Maybe Molly is afraid of getting covid! I know Thad from accounting definitely isn’t washing his hands when he disappears for twenty minutes every Zoom class, and he loves to scratch those ears of hers.”
Molly declined to share her reasons for orchestrating Maisie’s purchase. Instead, she provided additional details regarding her omnipotence.
“They say that college students’ minds are ripe for molding, but God, I didn’t think it would be this easy. ‘Top tier Jesuit institution’ my ass. When they think of the face of BC, they see my adorable snout, not Baldwin’s crusty beak. Last weekend I got a new pumpkin chew toy. What’s been on everybody’s stories this week? That’s right. Pumpkin patches and pumpkin spice lattes. Maisie could never.”
Molly’s statement continued for five more pages, devolving into a simple list of all whom she considered to be within her sphere of power on campus. The list included everyone, including the readers of this article.
“At first I was shocked. Molly seems like such an angel,” said Richard Taylorson (MCAS ’24). “But honestly, I don’t mind it. We’re all in the same boat, right? It gives me that sense of community I’ve been struggling to find here at BC. And omg have you ever seen a cuter doggo? A sweeter little pupper?”
At press time, Molly’s human was seen applying for a vanity plate that reads: “Ultimutt Dog-gone Beeyotch”