Entire Dorm Chants “Kairos”, Public School Freshman Scared And Confused
UPPER CAMPUS — Last Saturday night, hundreds of desperate freshmen swarmed Upper Campus in an attempt to meet fellow first-years. Once there, however, reports state that a “large, rabid circle” formed on the basketball court and began chanting in unison while a freshman in the middle rolled back and forth in the fetal position. Shouts of “Kairos” could be heard everywhere as more and more students joined the circle.
Though The Classic tried to interview the victim, Schoolie McPublic (MCAS ’24), bystanders were unable to rouse him from his state of hysteria, leaving him muttering, “We are one, We are Kairos, You can never leave.”
“It was horrifying and beautiful all at the same time,” said Ignatius Loyola (CSOM ’24). “I love nothing more than seeing my Jesuit brothers and sisters banding together to indoctrin— I mean, introduce our public school friend to our super fun little club.”
The ‘club’ Loyola spoke of is called Kairos, one that it is wildly popular among students who drove luxury cars to high school. Kairos commands its members to only speak of the retreat among themselves, and to never share its secrets with students of the so-called ‘lower class’.
“As a public school kid I had no idea what this Kairos thing was, but I’m pretty sure it’s a cult,” said Mary Jane Walker (CSON ’24), an onlooker to Saturday night’s horde.
In retaliation, Public School students are launching their own retreat called “Real Life,” hoping to give Jesuit prep school students a taste of what publicly funded education was like. Activities include handing out pink slips and running out of school supplies. In the words of founding member Tom Normal, “We want to give these students a day in the life as a commoner.”
At press time, members of “Real Life” were seen practicing religious freedom and wearing clothes they picked out themselves.