Rats in Walsh Lose Housing For Being in 8-Man Without Mask

WALSH HALL — The housing privileges of eight Walsh residents have reportedly been revoked due to their alleged violation of social distancing policies, according to rumors spreading throughout the sophomore community. 

In a report later corroborated by the Office of Residential Life, RAs in the building investigated a first floor suite which appeared to be the source of lots of noise, and were shocked at what they found inside.

“As building staff, we are doing our best to maintain a safe and healthy atmosphere, and that is really hard to do when you have people disregarding the rules and violating the University’s guest policy,” explained Charles E. Chies (MCAS ‘22), one of the RAs on the scene. 

According to the report, all eight indicted inhabitants of the room were inside, along with ten other guests. Everybody present was described as being a “small-to-medium sized rodent with brown fur.” No member of either party was a BC student, nor were they properly equipped with masks.

Ratthaniel Hotdog (CSOM ‘19), one of the rats involved, was disappointed by the severity of the disciplinary sanctions. “We’ve been living here for years, so I really didn’t think it’d be a big deal if there were a few extra of us hanging around,” Hotdog said. “I mean, we’re all from the same litter anyway. And it’s not like we were even doing anything. We were basically just passing a bong around and watching Tasty videos.”

At press time, the mammalian conspirators were seen removing their belongings from the room, loading up a miniature red roadster with an entire “Xtra-Toasty” Cheez-It™ and the abandoned rear end of a Hot Pocket™.

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