The New England Classic
Dave’s Hometown Friend Visiting This Weekend Is “Like, Super Chill”
WALSH HALL — Sophomore Dave Mitzle (MCAS ’20) surprised his roommates earlier this week with the announcement that his best friend from high school, Nhat Welkim, will be visiting Boston College over the weekend. According to multiple unconfirmed reports, Dave took the time to repeatedly stress that his buddy... Read more
Student Unable to Hear God’s Voice Due to Noise-Canceling Headphones
GASSON HALL — After years of skating through theology requirements and morning prayers during his tedious Catholic education, Chett Hoffdoden, CSON ’17 finally experienced the miracle of divine intervention as God’s voice came from the heavens to talk to him. Unfortunately, Chett was unable to hear God’s message because... Read more
Student In Suit Must Be Important
BOSTON COLLEGE — Turning heads and sparking private hypotheses as to what exactly he was going to or coming from, junior Kyle Andersonian (CSOM ‘17) was spotted sporting a suit and tie early Wednesday morning by multiple trustworthy sources. Despite eyewitnesses’ not possessing any knowledge of Andersonian’s age, socioeconomic... Read more
Catholic Priests Added to Endangered Species List
GLAND, SWITZERLAND — The International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN) announced today that the Roman Catholic Priest (Romanos Catholicus sacerdos) has been added to the group’s list of endangered species. The organization cited lack of faith, startups, and sexual intercourse as the three chief causes for the rapid... Read more
Student Sits In Different Seat Third Week Of Class, Disrupts Space-Time Continuum
STOKES 113S — Reportedly thinking that she was just going to casually change things up a bit, Allison Linus (MCAS ‘19) accidentally caused a catastrophic disruption to the space-time continuum Tuesday afternoon when she sat in a different seat than she had been sitting in during the first two weeks... Read more
Lazy Bastard Only Has One Major
Apparently unaware that it’s possible to have two majors and a minor, Ed Stillman (MCAS ‘17) reportedly only has one major—philosophy—and isn’t planning on adding another anytime soon. “We’re worried about poor Ed and his apparent apathy for his own well being,” said his friend Tommy Flapjacks (MCAS ‘17),... Read more
4Newton Founded To Help Affluent Locals In Need

“I’ve needed someone to cut my grass ever since my gardeners from El Salvador left to go visit their families after they were devastated by gang violence. Thanks, Obama!”

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Senior Finally Receives Fake ID Ordered Freshman Year
Boston College senior Al Cohall (MCAS ‘16) celebrated this morning after his fake ID, which he ordered with old friends the second week of freshman year, finally arrived in the mail. Cohall, a native of Altoona, Pennsylvania, ordered the Connecticut driver’s license to be sent to his Keyes North room... Read more
After Raising $1.5 Billion, Leahy Still Waiting for a Couple Assholes to Venmo Him
ST. MARY’S HALL—Boston College made fundraising history this week with the completion of its “Light The World” campaign, successfully pulling in $1.5 billion dollars (a stunning 4% of Harvard’s endowment). Unfortunately, Fr. William P. Leahy, SJ is dissatisfied with the effort and reportedly still waiting for “a couple asshole... Read more
BC Installs Oil Rig As Symbol of Dedication To Fossil Fuel Investment

“A university is a business, and an expensive one at that. Drill, baby, drill!”

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