What The Fuck: Molly On Campus Without Mask
GASSON QUAD — Molly, the dog infamous for her constant presence around Boston College, was spotted on campus today without a mask, multiple sources say. This controversial move follows the start of a unique academic semester, one in which mask mandates will be in effect for all common areas and public spaces.
“When I saw her nose, I knew there was trouble,” Andy Cherry (MCAS ’22) said. “Then when I got closer, I noticed the drool collecting on the fresh grass. I mean, what the fuck?”
When asked for comment, Molly’s owner said, “Look. I walk the pooch, I feed the pooch, I let people pet the pooch. But my pup makes her own darn decisions. She doesn’t agree with the university’s policy, so she is not complying with it.”
The Classic tried to reach Molly’s owner’s wife for comment, but we were unable to make contact. However, Molly herself offered few words regarding her defiance of mask requirements.
“BARK. WOO— WOOF,” she said, which roughly translates to, “Just try and muzzle me, cucklord. I own this pathetic place. All these children? I am their God, their religion. I am that which is. This man who leads me around is but a shell, a conduit to my further domination– I own him, too. ” She also expressed adamantly her discomfort trying to breathe with a mask on.
“Masks don’t impede your ability to breathe,” said Nancy Pollock, an employee at Health Services. “Molly is just one dumb bitch.”
At press time, Molly was seen attending a local anti-vax rally, holding a sign that said, “Vaccine bad! Trust me, I’m a dog-tor.”