BC Defends Testing Inaccuracies: “We Were Grading On A Curve”
SAINT MARY’S HALL — In response to recent charges of negligence and misreporting, Boston College representatives have released statements defending its testing strategy. “Look, this is college, right?” reported University Spokesperson, Jack Dunn, “And what do you do in college? Anyone? Okay fine, I’ll tell you: you grade on a curve!” The statement came after several Boston Globe articles blasted the university for failing to thoroughly test its students.
“Boston College is an elite university,” Dunn continued, “For this reason, we know that a positive test result here is essentially the equivalent of a negative test at a state school. I mean, can you fault us for ensuring our students aren’t punished for their Coronavirus excellence?”
Of course, Boston College students are no strangers to the concept of “the curve.” Junior Brian Wash reported that he thought it was “a solid move” for students’ GPAs and that he’s “glad the admin are finally showing a little compassion.”
Public health officials see things a bit differently, particularly the ones with basic reasoning skills and a shred of morality. One Massachusetts Department of Health employee went so far as to condemn the strategy as “bullshit” and “not how COVID testing works at all.” The university has yet to respond.
At press time, Dunn was seen sticking both fingers in his ears and singing “LALALALALA” as he pushed past Globe reporters.