University Confirms Nicotine Patches To Be Sold At Concessions
YAWKEY ATHLETIC CENTER — In a controversial press release, Boston College Athletic Director Patrick Kraft announced on Saturday that the University had approved the sale of nicotine patches in Alumni Stadium and Conte Forum. The specialty patches, reportedly dubbed “EagleBuzz”, will join the 2018 inclusion of beer and wine as an item available to patrons aged 21 years or older.
“We know how much our Superfans, especially on a chilly gameday, enjoy a smoke between periods or quarters,” explained Kraft. “With tobacco, plant, and vape products recently banned on campus, it seemed like a perfect time to introduce a new specialty item to our terrific concessions lineup.”
The response from the Boston College community has been mixed, with many accusing the University of monopolizing tobacco sales, and of using the recent ban as a means to profit off of addiction.
Many students, however, welcomed the news warmly. Nicholas O’Tien (CSOM ’21) believes the patches are a much-needed addition.
“Listen, pretty much any gameday, you’ll catch me and the guys chuffing darts behind the Flutie,” he said. “Hell, I met most of my best friends bumming drunk cigs behind Walsh after night games. Since we can’t rip cigs anymore, it’s heartwarming to see Boston College still looking out for our buzz.”
There has been some outcry from Boston College faculty, as well. Though still unproven, it is widely suspected that Fr. Kevin, adjunct professor of theology and sports media, is responsible for scrawling the following verse on the side of Conte Forum in what appeared to be Texas Pete hot sauce:
“First, they came for the Juuls, and I said nothing, for I did not Juul.
Then, they came for the dab pens, and I said nothing, for I did not dab.
Last, they came for the smokers, and I could not speak, for my mouth was full of dip.”
EagleBuzz patches will be available in two variants: the “Fenwick Double”, a two-pack for $12, and the “Forced Triple”, an $18 three-pack. When asked about the steep prices, O’Tien added, “Credit card debt is temporary. But a mid-game buzz with the boys? That’s forever.”
Some students are embracing the additional prospect of using EagleBuzz patches outside of sporting events. A friend of O’Tien, Marlbor O’Mann (CSOM ’21), detailed his plan to keep the patches on him at all times.
“At the first home game, I’m gonna scoop, like, all the Forced Triples. I’ll let everybody else get those lousy two-packs. Do I sell them at a premium like the good businessman I’ve been trained to be? No. Why waste the opportunity bestowed upon me to be buzzing during Zoom class without anyone noticing? Come Monday, I’m gonna be spacing out during Cosmos at 10, feeling like a champion in Campion at noon, and getting ripped, nicotine- and muscles-wise, in the Plex at 3.”
At press time, Athletics shared its plans to expand sales of the patch to smaller dining venues, including The Chocolate Bar and The Bean Counter, where they can be redeemed for either EagleBucks or unused Boston City Limits tickets.