The New England Classic’s Summer 2020 Vacation Travel Guide: Florida
FORT LAUDERDALE, FL. — Upset over canceled graduations, weddings, and mid-life crises? Looking to get away and salvage whatever you can of this summer before it comes to an end? Fortunately, NEC travel correspondent and Florida native Ben Shapiro (not that one) has you covered, giving you all you need to know to successfully plan your vacation in the Sunshine State.
CHICO’S NIGHTCLUB, MIAMI
You’ve been cooped up inside the past few months, and if you’re anything like me, you’re in desperate need of a night to cut loose and feel the rhythm of the night. So what better place to do that than at one of Miami’s world-famous nightclubs. After waiting in line for three hours to pay a $50 cover fee, enjoy your big night out while some faceless beach rat half-grinds on you and spills your overpriced, watered-down vodka cranberry. It’s a great spot to check the weather app on your phone! Afterwards, suck some face for another half hour, even though you were just told two of their roommates have COVID – but don’t worry, they say they’re getting tested tomorrow! Besides, you’d probably be asymptomatic anyway.
DISNEY WORLD, ORLANDO
The Most Magical Place on Earth has been closed for four months now, and it’s about time the gates to the Magic Kingdom reopen once again. You never wanted to stand in eighty-minute lines in the sweltering heat back when things were “normal”, but you’ve had this trip booked for like, a year now, so why not? Woah, did that fat kid just cough on you? Awesome! Enjoy classic attractions such as Space Mountain, an intense roller coaster with steep drops and sharp twists and turns that’s completely in the dark – a wonderful metaphor for 2020. After enjoying lunch consisting of food that’s definitely been sitting around since March, head on over to Epcot and take in the World Showcase. Pay homage to the birthplace of the coronavirus at the China pavilion, or visit the former global COVID epicenter at the Italy pavilion. Then walk on over to Norway or Germany, two nations that have recovered from the virus. This will be your only chance to try an authentic German schnitzel, as you won’t be able to get into the real country due to your recently-invalidated US Passport! End your day by exploring the new Star Wars-themed Galaxy’s Edge at Hollywood Studios, and fantasize about a world a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Also, has anyone seen Donald recently?
RETIREMENT VILLAGE, KEY WEST
A bunch of identical, single-story homes complete with an Acorn stairlift and a broken air conditioner. Paired with the most high-risk demographic in the world. Key West tourism sells itself.
BEACHES, FORT LAUDERDALE
The Sun shining down on your face. Sand between your toes. Sounds of the ocean serenading your ears. Five hundred people within one hundred yards of you. Not a single one wearing a mask. Every single one wearing a Confederate flag tank top. Boy oh boy, you needed this!