The New England Classic
Anti-Matter “Dark Leahy” Emerges From Project Lucidity, Loudly Denounces Racism

Anti-Matter “Dark Leahy” Emerges From Project Lucidity, Loudly Denounces Racism

LeahyWTF November 9, 2020 The New England Classic

“I AM LLIB YHAEL, ARBITER OF JUSTICE,” screamed the otherworldly abomination. “MY GUNS DISPERSE JUDGEMENT, MY SWORD CLEAVES IGNORANCE IN TWAIN!" Anti-Matter “Dark Leahy” Emerges From Project Lucidity, Loudly Denounces Racism

STOKES LAWN — Students and faculty were shocked on Sunday night as the walls of “Project Lucidity”, a so-called “immersive walkthrough experience” hosted by C.A.B., were blown to smithereens by the infinite mass of a non-newtonian singularity event. From the wreckage, which scientists have cautiously labelled an “inter-dimensional wormhole”, climbed a seven-foot-tall humanoid being wearing white robes and carrying what appeared to be a set of automatic weapons.

“I AM LLIB YHAEL, ARBITER OF JUSTICE,” screamed the otherworldly abomination. “MY GUNS DISPERSE JUDGEMENT, MY SWORD CLEAVES IGNORANCE IN TWAIN! ALSO, ABORTION IS FINE, AND WE HAVE GOT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE MORMONS!”

As pandemonium broke out across campus, students took cover in nearby buildings. The fearsome monster let out a deafening bellow, shattering windows as far away as College Road and toppling the statue of Saint Ignatius.

Clearing the Gasson quadrangle in four earth-shattering steps, the righteous goliath picked up a lamppost in front of Devlin hall and made his way towards Saint Mary’s South, roaring “BRING ME JACK DUNN!”

Members of C.A.B. were reportedly thrilled by the terrifying apparition. “This.” exclaimed Sybil McGarry (CSOM ‘22). 

At press time, the Network of Enlightened Women had reached out to the bloodthirsty beast, asking if he would speak at their next event as “a little bit of input from across the aisle.”