The New England Classic
Athletics Raises $150 Million Selling Knives

Athletics Raises $150 Million Selling Knives

LeahyWTF January 29, 2019 The New England Classic

“You know, when the CutCo division of Vector reached out and told us we could make up to $18.50 an hour with a flexible... Athletics Raises $150 Million Selling Knives

CONTE FORUM — Boston College Athletics Director Martin Jarmond announced on Tuesday that the “Light The World” fundraising campaign has finished three years ahead of schedule, thanks to multi-level-marketing firm Vector Marketing. The campaign, which raised a record-breaking $150 million for Boston College Athletics, reached its goal within the first week by remotely selling knives over the phone.

“You know, when the CutCo division of Vector reached out and told us we could make up to $18.50 an hour with a flexible schedule and great co-workers, we were definitely hesitant,” noted Jarmond. “But once we got every single athletics employee running the phones, calling friends and distant cousins, the results really spoke for themselves.”

“Boston College has one of the largest and most active alumni networks in the world,” explained University President William P. Leahy, S.J. “Before we knew it, the student callers, the interns, and most of the freshman class were dialing up alumni and selling them these prestige, hand-crafted Japanese blades. That’s when we knew this campaign would be a success.”

Boston College has reportedly settled on a long-term deal with Vector, allowing most student jobs, finance electives, and dining hall cutlery to fall under the supervision of the marketing conglomerate.

“We’re really pleased with the outcome here,” Jarmond later added. “Personally, I like the 6-inch serrated chef’s blade, but I think there’s a lot to be said for the 8-inch titanium alloy. Look, it can cut through a penny!”

At press time, head football coach Steve Addazio was seen calling his wife, asking how she felt about the current state of their kitchenware.