10 Nasty Things About Jeff Hafley That We Just Made Up
THE NEC NEWSROOM, ONTARIO, CANADA — Now folks, if we may, we’d like to be straight with you for a moment. Here at The New England Classic, we’ve made a killing on the gaffes Boston College’s top people make each day. But god damn it, we just can’t find an angle on this Jeff Hafley character. Holy shit. He’s clearly a fine coach, but worse than that, he seems to be a good man. As there’s never been one of those employed by the administrative or athletic departments of this university, we’ve run into trouble stranding him at a bus stop, dropping him in the Amazon, or having him receive 40,000 write-in votes in the Alaska Senate race like we might have for his prolific predecessor. Yet, as is our duty, we must stand up for the little guy (who is, in this and all cases, ourselves). Taking an historic step away from our fourteen-year history of journalistic and moral integrity, here’s some fucked up shit we just made up:
Jeff Hafley Donates Way Too Much Blood
Each week, the good people at Red Cross say to him “But Mr. Hafley, this is your fourth time here this week, you can’t keep doing this to yourself!” And each time he ignores their warnings. “By donating blood I grow stronger,” he tells them. “With every donation, the weakest of my plasma exits my body, and I become purer and purer and purer. Soon, the day will come when I am Hafley no more, and have become Full-ly, and no one will be able to stop me. Soon, everyone will have what I have.”
Jeff Hafley Was Really Rude To His Junior Prom Date
What a dick! He didn’t even let Chelsea ride in the limo with him, and then left that poor girl alone all night to hang out with his cheery lads in the bathroom. And then he ate her corsage. Just devoured it, all in one bite. Fucking psycho shit, bro. And he said, “In four hours, I’m going to take a cor-SHIT!” And then he did a bunch of other bad stuff, too.
Jeff Hafley Carries Around Eight Travel-Sized Dental Flosses, And Wants Us To Call Them “Hafley-Sized”
Any time somebody asks him, “Hey, is that mini dental floss on your keychain?” he shouts and screams and wails at them, “These are not mini! I am a big boy, and these are Hafley-Sized! They are just for me, and that is okay!”
Jeff Hafley Has Three Cats But Only Feeds Two Of Them, Calls The Third One “Ribs Guy”
Every morning, he greets the three cats by complimenting the sheen of their coats and the length of their whiskers, but crassly reminds Ribs Guy that he could stand to lose a few pounds. “Ribs Guy,” he’ll chide, handing the cat an empty bowl, “See how exposed the ribs of your colleagues are? You should look more like them.” Really, Coach?
As A Pre-Game Ritual, Jeff Hafley Digs Through The Bargain DVD Bin at Walmart, Searching For An Unopened Copy Of “You’ve Got Mail.” If He Finds One, He Will Either Scratch Out Meg Ryan’s Eyes, Thus Blessing The Offense, Or Tom Hanks’ Mouth, Thus Blessing The Defense. If He Does Not Find One, The Game Is Decided By Coin Flip.
He does this every single time.
Beneath His Mask Is An Ever-Growing Mess Of Writhing Tentacles
Yikes! Not gonna touch this one, since we’re pretty sure there are pictures out there that can stop this one dead in its tracks, unfortunately. How about this next one, though:
“Ribs Guy” Is A Registered Libertarian
Sorry, folks. “Ribs Guy” supports progressive social policy but not the necessary participation of government spending in its implementation. Each morning, he feasts on the novels and essays of Ayn Rand and Andy from your Portico in place of physical nutrition.
He Makes A Bunch Of Unused Reservations At Restaurants In The Greater Boston Area And Never Cancels Them
Are you kidding me? These restaurants have been struggling to survive these past few months, and need as much customer turnover as possible. The Crooked Coach spends his nights spamming OpenTable just to “mess with small business owners a lil’ bit.” Whaaaaaaaa?!?!?!?! Week in and week out, tables with his name on them sit unoccupied for hours, while others without reservations are turned away into the cold, taking their checkbooks and credit cards with them.
Jeff Hafley Only Listens to The ‘STOMP’ Soundtrack
His Spotify Wrapped hasn’t changed in years. Also we lied, he doesn’t use spotify, he uses an old iPod Nano his nephew set up for him in 2008. He tries to make jokes all the time that are like “Wow, I’m angry, don’t make me ‘STOMP’ my foot!” But no one gets them and then the conversation dies and everyone’s social anxiety is triggered.
Jeff Hafley Did Not Even Try To Help With The Iranian Hostage Crisis
Completely useless! So-called “Good Guy” Jeff Hafley did not provide any assistance during the 444-day long diplomatic standoff between the United States and Iran, offering only that he hoped the fifty-two diplomats and citizens held in Tehran had “caught last night’s game against Syracuse.” Read a room, much, Jeff?