Study Finds Every Intramural Soccer Player Actually Same White Guy Cloned
ALUMNI STADIUM — A recent study conducted by NASA has found that every intramural soccer player at Boston College is actually a clone of one student, who scientists have identified as sophomore John Roberts (MCAS ‘20) from Connecticut.
Upon learning this information, 86% of the BC student body responded, “Oh yeah, I feel like he’s in my Econ class.” Several students elaborated, saying “Yeah, he’s the one with the fancy shoes, who always drinks water from a water bottle.”
According to Tara Hughes (CSON ‘18), a senior and the only intramural soccer player who is not John Roberts or a John Roberts clone, this finding “explains a lot.” “I never knew who to pass the ball to,” said Hughes. “I was always overwhelmed by white kids yelling ‘Mine! Mine! Mine!’ like those seagulls in Finding Nemo. Now that I know they’re all clones, I feel better about not being able to distinguish my teammates from actors in car insurance commercials.”
The study was conducted after astronauts in the International Space Station reported a mysterious bright light emanating from North America on Thursday night at 9pm Eastern Standard Time, which, based on the study’s conclusion, resulted from the lights in Alumni Stadium reflecting off the low-pigment complexion of John Roberts and his several dozen clones.
A scientist involved in the study admitted that there is still more research to be done, explaining, “We’re not really sure where these clones came from, how they were created, what this means for the scientific community, if they age normally or backwards into wrinkly old man babies, if they are venomous, if their bones are full of gravy, if they grow a new set of molars at every full moon, or if they are weekday vegans. But more importantly, did those kids play soccer in high school? Cause damn!”
The original John Roberts could not be reached for comment, but at press time, he and his 29 clones were reportedly seen occupying every cubicle along the walls of O’Neill 3.