Addazio Lost In Corn Maze, May Miss VTech Game
Addazio October 6, 2017
DANVERS, MA — As the Boston College football team enters its fourth hour of advanced search and rescue procedures at the Connor’s Farm corn maze, head coach Steve Addazio has all but been presumed permanently lost, and is expected to miss the upcoming night game against Virginia Tech. While... Read more
Help! My Conversation Partner Only Wants To Talk About How Much He Loves “The King Of Queens!”
Student Life October 5, 2017
“Most scenes take place in the Heffernans’ home, but other common locations include Doug and Carrie’s workplaces.” These were the first words I ever heard from Tim, and they changed my life forever. “Find your Conversation Partner!” they told us. How young we were then, how naive. Basking... Read more
Underground Frat Charged With Distribution To Miners
Student Life October 4, 2017
STRATHMORE ROAD — Boston College officials issued a citation to the campus’s notorious “underground” fraternity on Saturday following the shocking discovery that they had been providing alcohol to miners. According to an official statement from BCPD, officers became suspicious when they noticed a group of individuals dressed in salmon shorts walking... Read more
“Achoo!” Reports Entire Student Body
FeaturedStudent Life October 3, 2017
CHESTNUT HILL — The first fall of crumpled tissues blankets the campus. Droplets of influenza and ragweed are a-floatin’ through the crisp winter air. It’s sneezy season here on the Heights and the noses be drippin’! “Sorry, I’ve had, like, a really bad cough lately,” your red-eyed, inexplicably leaking roommate... Read more
Alumni Parents Keep Hinting At Where They Used To Fuck
Sex October 1, 2017
BUSTNUT HILL — Freshman Jake O’Flannery (CSOM ‘21) was treated to a very special tour of Boston College this Parent’s Weekend when his mother, Erin O’Flannery (A&S ‘86), and father, Marcus O’Flannery (CSOM ‘86), brought him along to revisit all the places on the Heights where the couple used to... Read more
What To Do When Your Parents Sexile You On Parents’ Weekend
Sex September 30, 2017
CHESTNUT HILL, MA — Parents’ Weekend can be a very stressful time for both students and their parents. You may find that it’s hard to readjust to your parents after being away from home for so long. Your parents will probably find it’s difficult to not just rip off... Read more
Parents’ Weekend is a special time of year. The football game gets everyone’s spirits up, the weather is still nice and temperate, and seeing family is always something special. But let’s not forget what it’s really all about: ass. Hot Dad Ass. Sorry Mom, can’t talk right now, I... Read more
Ivy League Who? We Ranked The Top Colleges In America And Put BC First!
ListsStudent Life September 27, 2017
College ranking lists come out every fall, so it’s the perfect time to scroll through your Facebook and think “weird brag, dude” when some guy you went to high school with shares that his school is now “Ranked #35 in small-to-medium-sized sub-Saharan African zoology programs in the lower Midwest!”... Read more
Dog Walked On BC Campus Develops Quite The Ego
Student Life September 25, 2017
“It’s sad, really, that he’s letting it go to his head. Fame is a fickle friend indeed.”
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Off-Campus Basement Requires Alarmingly Few Changes To Become Murder Dungeon
Student Life September 24, 2017
FOSTER STREET — In the midst of a Saturday night shindig, party-goers at 269 Foster St. noted that the house’s poorly lit basement into which they had gathered required alarmingly few modifications to be turned into a subterranean dungeon in which to induce human suffering. Noting the cellar’s low ceilings, warped... Read more