Old Dude In Rat Really Going In On Hot Dog
Student Life October 18, 2017
WELCH DINING ROOM — Some fuckin’ old dude was seen absolutely demolishing a hot dog while sitting alone in the Rat Wednesday, eyewitnesses report. Several accounts alleged that the elderly fiend was actually on his second one of the day, too. “Holy shit, that dude was insane,” said Pat Rack... Read more
DEVLIN HALL — On Tuesday, students in the 10:30 AM section of Europe in the World looked on helplessly as Henry van Cumberbund (CSOM ‘20) provided what may have been the absolute worst possible answer to a question about the causes of World War II. After Professor Laura Bourke... Read more
At a university where students are largely silent with their bigoted values, one anonymous student made the bold decision to deface a Black Lives Matter sign Friday, thereby destroying any lingering semblance of racial progress at Boston College. Absolutely inspiring! Even though this vandalism was clearly fueled by a... Read more
Study Finds Every Intramural Soccer Player Actually Same White Guy Cloned
SportsStudent Life October 15, 2017
ALUMNI STADIUM — A recent study conducted by NASA has found that every intramural soccer player at Boston College is actually a clone of one student, who scientists have identified as sophomore John Roberts (MCAS ‘20) from Connecticut. Upon learning this information, 86% of the BC student body responded,... Read more
Freshman Beginning To Suspect Orientation Leader Doesn’t Actually Want To Be Friends
Freshmen October 13, 2017
STOKES SOUTH — Freshman Anna Blumberg realized that her orientation leader, Aaron Parsons (MCAS ‘19), may not actually want to be friends after Parsons showed up more than twenty minutes late for their coffee date Thursday. “I’m so glad my OL finally found time to meet up with me,” said Blumberg... Read more
OPINION: Senior Five Lists Are A Shallow And Immature Concept, And Why The FUCK Am I Not On One Yet?
OpinionSexStudent Life October 12, 2017
Before I begin, let me be clear about one thing: I have NO problem with the concept of premarital sex. In fact, I myself would LOVE to partake in it someday. But making a list of the top five people you want to have sexual relations with before graduation and... Read more
CHESTNUT HILL — Boston College’s Board of Trustees made the controversial decision to double down on their investments in fossil fuels during a conference call earlier this week. This announcement has called into question the university’s commitment to environmental sustainability, as well as the dermatologic health of a prominent... Read more
MCELROY COMMONS — After a 7 AM session of sunrise yoga and a few lengthy spins around the Labyrinth, Perspectives major Leonard Stroll (MCAS ’20) was sighted crossing the street in front of Mac at a turtle’s pace, lollygagging about and generally doing what eyewitnesses described as “absolutely nothing.”... Read more
Reservoir Geese Appalled By Couple Making Out On Bench
Student Life October 9, 2017
CHESTNUT HILL RESERVOIR — In a surprise public statement released on Monday, the head goose of the Reservoir Waterfowl Flock expressed his dismay at the lewd actions that regularly occur on reservoir benches. According to the spokesbird, the most recent incident took place on Saturday night, shortly after a... Read more
Bean Counter Closes, “We’ve Counted All The Beans”
Student Life October 8, 2017
FULTON HALL — Boston College’s favorite on-campus coffee joint, the Bean Counter, closed Thursday after the final bean was counted. Manager Tara Macchiato reported that the final count came out to 14,574 total beans, which many agree is a sizable amount. “We’ve officially counted all the beans,” said Macchiato.... Read more