Group Project Member Can’t Meet At That Time
School April 19, 2017
CHESTNUT HILL — Citing a variety of reasons why it just wouldn’t work for her, group project member Carrie Massie (MCAS ‘19) announced Tuesday morning that she simply couldn’t meet at the nearly unanimously agreed-upon time. “Sorry guys, but that’s just no good for me,” Massie messaged in the... Read more
2150 COMMONWEALTH AVE — In a stunning and unprecedented leap into the pool of twenty-first century healthcare, University Health Services has decided to hop on board with the reproductive rights movement that began almost exactly 57 years ago on May 9, 1960, when the FDA approved the first birth control... Read more
You may have heard some of the rumors that have been floating around these past few months. Well, allow me to set the record straight: I’m running the Boston Marathon this year, and I’m not afraid to admit it. There, I said it. I know you must be shocked,... Read more
MIDDLE CAMPUS — Stretching the truth for the fifteenth time during the short tour of campus, Student Admission Program tour guide Maxine Alturn (MCAS ’18) claimed that Gasson Hall, with its 200 foot bell tower, was the tallest building on the East Coast. Stating the boldface lie with calm... Read more
Leahy Prays To Top Donors, Trustees For Guidance On Gender-Neutral Bathrooms
Big IssuesLeahy April 6, 2017
CARNEY HALL — On Sunday night, the Undergraduate Government of Boston College passed The Resolution Concerning Single Stall Restrooms, officially calling for a change in all strict male-or-female signage for the 18 single-stall restrooms in academic buildings on campus. In passing this resolution, UGBC has shown support and recognition... Read more
“I love my family and going to the movies,” Reports Intermediate Italian Student
School April 5, 2017
LYONS HALL — Raising her hand for the first time in weeks, sophomore Katie Moskovitz (MCAS ‘19) informed her Intermediate Italian class Wednesday afternoon that she reportedly loved her “family and going to the movies.” Sources confirmed that her proclamation seemed credible, citing previous statements given by Moskovitz which suggested... Read more
EARTH — Due to a heavy rainfall, Tuesday afternoon’s Climate Justice at Boston College rally was forced to relocate from O’Neill Plaza to the Vanderslice Cabaret room. Although no foul play was suspected at first, an anonymous source has since come forward to confess that this was no mere... Read more
Hold onto your seats, folks, because we just heard the most terrible news. As it turns out, hundreds of Boston College students are from the state of New Jersey. Can you believe it? This heartbreaking news was made public by the Boston College Office of Undergraduate Admissions, who openly admitted that... Read more
Sir Steve Addazio’s Army on Eight-War Losing Streak
Addazio April 1, 2017
ALUMNI CASTLE — The maroon and gold-striped white flag has finally been raised; Sir Steve Addazio’s four-year war against the Kingdom of Forrest’s Wake is over at long last. This marks Sir Steve’s eighth straight military loss in the past three decades (not including his many victories against non-European... Read more
HIGGINS HALL — Speaking at a crowded press conference this afternoon, Boston College biology professor Elizabeth Ryan proudly unveiled the latest generation of Orientation Leader, which she and her team of world-class scientists spent the greater part of the last year genetically engineering. “The 2017 edition is by far... Read more