EARTH — Due to a heavy rainfall, Tuesday afternoon’s Climate Justice at Boston College rally was forced to relocate from O’Neill Plaza to the Vanderslice Cabaret room. Although no foul play was suspected at first, an anonymous source has since come forward to confess that this was no mere... Read more
Hold onto your seats, folks, because we just heard the most terrible news. As it turns out, hundreds of Boston College students are from the state of New Jersey. Can you believe it? This heartbreaking news was made public by the Boston College Office of Undergraduate Admissions, who openly admitted that... Read more
Sir Steve Addazio’s Army on Eight-War Losing Streak
Addazio April 1, 2017
ALUMNI CASTLE — The maroon and gold-striped white flag has finally been raised; Sir Steve Addazio’s four-year war against the Kingdom of Forrest’s Wake is over at long last. This marks Sir Steve’s eighth straight military loss in the past three decades (not including his many victories against non-European... Read more
HIGGINS HALL — Speaking at a crowded press conference this afternoon, Boston College biology professor Elizabeth Ryan proudly unveiled the latest generation of Orientation Leader, which she and her team of world-class scientists spent the greater part of the last year genetically engineering. “The 2017 edition is by far... Read more
Harvard Reject In Honors Program Not Bitter About It Anymore, Alright?
SchoolStudent Life March 28, 2017
MEDEIROS C — Venturing out from her achievement-laden dorm room, freshman Sammy Laude (MCAS ‘20) announced today that she has finally gotten over her rejection from Harvard University. An alumna of an elite New England preparatory school, the Lexington, MA native explained that she had been quietly struggling with feelings... Read more
VOUTE 311 — Rummaging through a seemingly endless pile of dirty plates and pans, senior Alberto Parenté concluded that his roommate, who is being kept anonymous for his safety, must be a from a faraway land where no one fucking cleans, apparently. “There is absolutely no way a sane... Read more
Plex Bro Takes Good Look Around Before Set to Make Sure People Are Watching
Student Life March 23, 2017
FLYNN RECREATION COMPLEX — Standing in front of the cable machine while mentally preparing himself for another set of triceps exercises, frequent Plex-goer Rob Schlossman (CSOM ‘19) checked his surroundings to ensure that someone would be watching him work out. Unable to find anyone at first, the sophomore eventually... Read more
ResLife Clerical Error Gives One Lucky Freshman Housing In Meatball Obsession Stand
FreshmenStudent Life March 21, 2017
LOWER CAMPUS — As many Boston College freshmen continue their frantic social scramble to secure housing for next year, one lucky student will be living somewhere a little more unique than the typical sophomore housing options, thanks to a clerical error by an entry-level ResLife employee. Vito Anthony Bertucci,... Read more
OFFICE OF RESIDENTIAL LIFE — A new protest movement on campus has started to gain noticeable traction this week, as hundreds of students are coming together to express their frustration with the notoriously tedious Boston College room selection process. These student activists, who describe themselves as “ResChoice,” are finally... Read more
VANDERSLICE HALL — Standing in the middle of an eight-person suite filled to maximum capacity, Rebecca Johnson (LSOE ’19) reportedly proclaimed that she is “doing just fine” after “coming out of her cage.” Johnson, who screamed this realization at the top of her lungs, was reportedly met with widespread... Read more