Jesuits Plan “Holy War” Tailgate Ahead of Notre Dame Game
ST. MARY’S LAWN — A group of Jesuit priests are preparing to host the “tailgate of the millennium” to coincide with Saturday’s Holy War football game against Notre Dame, Boston College’s long-standing rival Jesuit institution.
Initial reports suggested that the clergymen had set up a large charcoal grill and several plastic folding tables on the lawn outside St. Mary’s Hall on Friday afternoon for some sort of outdoor religious ceremony, but that rumor was quickly put to rest when Fr. Kevin giddily hung up his homemade “Smite the Irish” banner.
The Jesuits are sparing no expense on their elaborate cookout, as eyewitnesses report roughly 14 packages of USDA Prime certified Angus beef and 12 bags of HostBuns™ being delivered to St. Mary’s over the past week.
A 2011 Honda Odyssey has been parked in the middle of the lawn all day, and a half-dozen priests are working diligently to set up a sound system and numerous Christ-themed lawn games, such as crucifix horseshoes and the wildly popular Christ-hole.
“The Holy War is my favorite day of the year. That’s including Christmas, Easter, and all forty days of Lent,” said Fr. Paul Merlot, S.J. “We’re going to put on the best damn tailgate that our vows of poverty can afford, and the best part is we’re not going to allow any of those yokel-clergy from South Bend to get in on the fun. East Coast Christboys only!”
At press time, at least one member of the Society of Jesus had decided to kick off the festivities a little early, and could be seen physically inverted, mouth to the tap of a large keg labeled “Blood of Christ.”