Help! My Conversation Partner Only Wants To Talk About How Much He Loves “The King Of Queens!”
“Most scenes take place in the Heffernans’ home, but other common locations include Doug and Carrie’s workplaces.” These were the first words I ever heard from Tim, and they changed my life forever.
“Find your Conversation Partner!” they told us. How young we were then, how naive. Basking in the radiant, liberating glory of a freshly-sprung academic career, we heeded their call like the words of prophets. But alas, time is a cruel mistress, and she slips deftly away.
As the brisk winds of a harsh, unforgiving winter screamed across the deserted quad, I convinced myself that having entered my second semester, it was time to begin my search. I would find my Partner.
Tim seemed to be a perfect fit. 6’1”, a member of the rowing team, and double majoring in Finance and Philosophy. Surely this fine specimen, exemplifying the well-rounded, spiritually-active and career-oriented persona that Boston College hopes to create could engage me well. But soon after we signed our blood-pact, and the vows of co-existence had been sworn on the gods’ honor, that was when the trouble really began.
The first red flag was the tattoo. As I watched him bend over on a lazy Sunday to retrieve a dropped wad of saltwater taffy, the back of his shirt rode up revealing the script engraved on his lower back: “Doug and Carrie Heffernan are a working class couple living at 3121 Aberdeen Street in Rego Park, Queens, New York, along with Carrie’s eccentric father, Arthur Spooner.”
I soon began to fear.
The more I attempted to breach the wall of dialogue with Tim, the more dangerous the situation became. I would inquire, “Tim, how do you perceive the Stoic constructs of free will and determinism to be able to exist along with traditional values of divine preordination?” only to be met with: “Also featured on the show are Doug’s friends Deacon Palmer, Spence Olchin and Richie Iannucci, as well as Doug’s cousin Danny Heffernan. Deacon’s wife Kelly is Carrie’s best friend.”
Now, my hope has almost dwindled entirely. Never shall I be advised on how to balance my Catholic faith with my belief in innate human goodness, nor how it is that Plato could advocate for the censorship of free thought when his mentor Socrates was put to death under that very same pretense.
Doug is my Plato now, and Deacon my Socrates. CBS shall be my library, and Baby All My Life I Will Be Driving Home to You my anthem.
Today’s inquiry began with “The show begins after Doug and Carrie have already married, and how they met is slightly unclear due to continuity issues,” and we ended our weekly colloquium with a brief dialectic exercise concerning how Doug and Carrie could possibly enjoy each other’s company with kooky ol’ Mr. Spooner always hanging around the corner.
I no longer attend mass. I no longer enjoy my studies. I care little for the frivolous pleasures of mac and cheese from the Rat or a quiet, solitary view of Gasson.
There is only Doug. Doug is all.
He is my King, and we must be his Queens.