Roommate From Faraway Land Where No One Fucking Cleans, Apparently
VOUTE 311 — Rummaging through a seemingly endless pile of dirty plates and pans, senior Alberto Parenté concluded that his roommate, who is being kept anonymous for his safety, must be a from a faraway land where no one fucking cleans, apparently.
“There is absolutely no way a sane human being would leave such a mess. Any socially conditioned person would have a basic enough sense of those around him or her to be compelled to clean,” complained Parenté while aggressively scrubbing two-week-old meat sauce off of a pot, adding that the only explanation for his roommate’s messiness was that his roommate was literally from a remote tribe where cleaning up after oneself was not the societal norm.
“Last week he accidentally spilled some kind of salty brine all over the refrigerator and got on everyone’s food and didn’t even think to clean it up. Also, I think he’s left a crusty bowl of half-eaten oats and peanut butter with a banana peel inside about ninety percent of mornings.”
According to Parenté, his roommate’s mess doesn’t stop in the kitchen: Parenté reports that his roommates bedroom is covered with musky clothes, his toilet is covered with mysterious hairs, and his bong and ashes are consistently left on the common room table after a night of smoking.
“He claims to be from Western Connecticut, but there’s no way I’m buying that,” says Parenté. “Wherever he’s from, there must be no societal standard for politeness.”
In an exclusive interview with The New England Classic, Parenté hinted that he was planning on giving his roommate complimentary once-a-week classes on “how not to be such an inconsiderate asshole all the time.”