OPINION: Oops! I “Leaned In” Too Far And Fucked My Professor
Women have come a long way in the workplace since the days of Rosie the Riveter. Pioneers like Sheryl Sandberg of Facebook and her feminist manifesto Lean In, which I read the first chapter of over winter break, urge women to “lean in” at the physical and figurative table and fight against the systematic oppression of the male phalli we face everyday.
I decided to respond to Sheryl’s rousing call to action in the new semester, resolving to lean into the male-dominated discussion in my Studies in Poetry class. Unfortunately, however, it seems I leaned in a little too far, because I found myself fucking my professor. What started out as an attempt to use my wonderful and complex brain to stimulate meaningful discussion took a wrong turn the moment my ass left the chair. Before I knew it, I was fucking a 65-year-old white man who serves as the perfect symbol for misogyny in America.
I guess I wasn’t so much surprised as I was disappointed in myself. If Sheryl, a brunette clocking in at a 7 (at most), could get promoted to CFO because she leaned in, how could I, a blonde whose worst day put me at an 8.5, fail to achieve the same success? I was afraid that trying to use my brain instead of my bangin’ bod would result in disaster, and boy was I right. One minute I was offering my nuanced take on the role of symbolism in Robert Frost’s work, and the next I was lying on the carpeted floor of Stokes South 113 next to the man who gave me a C+ on my paper last week.
Feminism is a lot harder than Sheryl made it seem. I’m starting to get the sense that in order to come back from years of sexism and oppression, women actually have to do a lot of the leg work. Literally – trying to lean in while not ending up on top of my professor’s dick really demands a lot from my quads. When you think about it, it’s kinda messed up that women still have to fight for things like equal pay and control over their bodies while men sit idly by and reap the benefits of the patriarchy.
Whatever! If I can use my body to get what I want – in this case, an A- in Studies in Poetry – then why bother trying to be an empowered woman at all?