Dishes Slowly Gathering In Sink Eager To Destroy Peaceful 8-Man
Student Life September 11, 2018
VANDERSLICE HALL — Peering over the sink with satisfaction, a growing stack of unwashed dishes reportedly can’t wait to ruin the peace in its otherwise tranquil 8-person suite. “I know Katie and Sara are getting along now,” said Sticky Coffee Mug (Dirty Since 08/28). “But just wait till they’re... Read more
9/11 Moved To October 26th To Accommodate Red Bandana Game
Big IssuesSports September 10, 2018
ST. MARY’S HALL — Despite widespread criticism from students, faculty, and alumni, Boston College went forward on Monday with its decision to change the date of 9/11 to October 26th, the date of the annual “Red Bandana” football game. The “Red Bandana” game, which celebrates the heroic actions of... Read more
ALUMNI STADIUM — It was reported early Friday morning that Boston College head football coach Steve Addazio missed five consecutive practices this week after locking himself in his office and watching the official highlight tape of last Saturday’s Boston College-UMass game – in which BC annihilated its opponent 55-21... Read more
BC Alternative Senior Fives
Sex September 5, 2018
Tradition is everything here at Boston College. From our beloved Jesuit values to our fan-favorite football chants (Hoo-Hah!), blindly doing things just because someone has done it before is both fun and easy. Of all these traditions, one of the most popular happens to be the annual “Senior Five”... Read more
Inbred Piece Of Human Garbage Wears White After Labor Day
Student Life September 4, 2018
GASSON QUAD — Tommy Michelson (MCAS ’19) was spotted lounging on the Gasson Quad with his roommates today sporting a pair of white Vineyard Vines shorts. Does that dumb bitch not know that yesterday was Labor Day? Michelson, usually a perfectly presentable dresser, seemed blissfully ignorant of his fashion... Read more
Club Eager To Reject Kids They Just Recruited At Involvement Fair
FreshmenStudent Life September 3, 2018
MIDDLE CAMPUS — Hundreds of student organizations took to Stokes Lawn on Friday, eager to recruit hordes of freshmen whose ambitions they could crush. The lineup included dance groups like Sexual Chocolate, service organizations such as 4Boston, and leadership clubs like the Rookie Leadership Program (RLP). Sarah Sivian, RLP... Read more
Vatican Reminds BC Dining That Snack Attack Was Original Holy Trinity
JesuitsStudent Life August 30, 2018
VATICAN CITY — In a nearly 200-page encyclical titled “Execarbilis,” Pope Francis on Friday called for Boston College to reinstate the Late Night dining policies it abandoned for the 2018-2019 academic year. “Just as the Father, Son and Holy Ghost form a Holy Trinity, so hallowed is the union... Read more
Student Has Sinking Suspicion No One Really Cares How Her Summer Was
SchoolStudent Life August 26, 2018
LOWER LIVE — Munching on a full plate of questionable eggs and home fries, junior Samantha O’Gallison reportedly began to wonder whether or not all of her classmates actually cared how her summer was. Sources close to O’Gallison believe she fears the vast majority of people who have asked... Read more
End-Of-Internship LinkedIn Post MadLibs
Quizzes August 17, 2018
As the relaxing days of your 9-5 summer internship come to a close, it’s time to start getting ready for your return to the Heights. But before you pack up the car and buy your textbooks, you have to update your carefully curated LinkedIn network of classmates, high school... Read more
OL Under Impression He’s “The Hot One”
FreshmenStudent Life July 31, 2018
THOMAS MORE APARTMENTS — Adjusting his gold-plated name tag from his reflection in the Robsham window, orientation leader Brayden McPatrick confirmed his self-appointed place in the OL hierarchy. “From the very beginning of training, the First Year Experience staff emphasized that we were selected to represent the BC community... Read more