Boston College Now Demanding Poor Alumni Give Donations In Blood
In an effort to recognize the different socio-economic realities of its alumni, Boston College is launching a new program that will allow the University to collect donations in the form of credit, check, or blood. The initiative was introduced on Tuesday as part of the “Greater Heights” fundraising campaign that BC Athletics announced last week.
“We know that fundraising $150 million is going to be a pretty daunting task, especially after the $200 million we just shook out of our donors these past two years,” said Director of Athletics Martin Jarmond. “Some of our wealth-challenged alumni have recently accused us of ‘bleeding them dry,’ and hearing that phrase just gave me the most wonderful idea.”
Jarmond went on to assure potential donors that there are already “dozens” of planned use cases for their precious life-nectar. Such projects include filling in the 10-lane swimming pool in the soon-to-be-completed Connell Recreation Center with blood, and even offering “on-the-go transfusions” at the Student Athlete Fueling Station in Conte Forum. The athletic director later told reporters that plans for plasma donations are currently being discussed but have not yet been finalized.
University President Fr. William P. Leahy, S.J., also discussed the “unlimited potential” of blood-based donations.
“Giving blood to the Alma Mater is critical,” said Fr. Leahy. “She is our nourishment, the guiding light. As she feeds us, so must we feed her. I must attend to her now. The hour is almost upon us.”
At press time, hundreds of University professors and administrators were seen emptying blood bags into the Chestnut Hill Reservoir while chanting in Latin.