Inbred Piece Of Human Garbage Wears White After Labor Day
Student Life September 4, 2018
GASSON QUAD — Tommy Michelson (MCAS ’19) was spotted lounging on the Gasson Quad with his roommates today sporting a pair of white Vineyard Vines shorts. Does that dumb bitch not know that yesterday was Labor Day? Michelson, usually a perfectly presentable dresser, seemed blissfully ignorant of his fashion... Read more
Club Eager To Reject Kids They Just Recruited At Involvement Fair
FreshmenStudent Life September 3, 2018
MIDDLE CAMPUS — Hundreds of student organizations took to Stokes Lawn on Friday, eager to recruit hordes of freshmen whose ambitions they could crush. The lineup included dance groups like Sexual Chocolate, service organizations such as 4Boston, and leadership clubs like the Rookie Leadership Program (RLP). Sarah Sivian, RLP... Read more
Vatican Reminds BC Dining That Snack Attack Was Original Holy Trinity
JesuitsStudent Life August 30, 2018
VATICAN CITY — In a nearly 200-page encyclical titled “Execarbilis,” Pope Francis on Friday called for Boston College to reinstate the Late Night dining policies it abandoned for the 2018-2019 academic year. “Just as the Father, Son and Holy Ghost form a Holy Trinity, so hallowed is the union... Read more
Student Has Sinking Suspicion No One Really Cares How Her Summer Was
SchoolStudent Life August 26, 2018
LOWER LIVE — Munching on a full plate of questionable eggs and home fries, junior Samantha O’Gallison reportedly began to wonder whether or not all of her classmates actually cared how her summer was. Sources close to O’Gallison believe she fears the vast majority of people who have asked... Read more
End-Of-Internship LinkedIn Post MadLibs
Quizzes August 17, 2018
As the relaxing days of your 9-5 summer internship come to a close, it’s time to start getting ready for your return to the Heights. But before you pack up the car and buy your textbooks, you have to update your carefully curated LinkedIn network of classmates, high school... Read more
OL Under Impression He’s “The Hot One”
FreshmenStudent Life July 31, 2018
THOMAS MORE APARTMENTS — Adjusting his gold-plated name tag from his reflection in the Robsham window, orientation leader Brayden McPatrick confirmed his self-appointed place in the OL hierarchy. “From the very beginning of training, the First Year Experience staff emphasized that we were selected to represent the BC community... Read more
Mary Ann’s Purchased By Walt Disney Company
Student Life July 18, 2018
CLEVELAND CIRCLE — Mary Ann’s Bar, the beloved local watering hole frequented by Boston College students for decades, was sold last week to the most magical company in the world. In the wake of its impending acquisition of 21st Century Fox, The Walt Disney Company has purchased Mary Ann’s... Read more
CHESTNUT HILL — Late Thursday evening, Boston College officials announced that members of Professor Stephen Brown’s Perspectives class were finally rescued from Plato’s Cave, where they had been trapped since the middle of fall semester. The then-freshmen became stuck in the cave in early November 2017, when the class began... Read more
CITY HALL PLAZA — President William P. Leahy, S.J. let his hair down Saturday at the annual Boston Pride Parade before returning to his poorly lit fourth-floor office in St. Mary’s Hall that night. Eyewitnesses reported (with surprise) that Fr. Leahy exchanged his usual black cassock for a pair... Read more
CHESTNUT HILL – Boston College star point guard Kyran “Ky” Bowman (MCAS ’19?) announced he will not enter the NBA Draft and will instead return to the Heights for his junior year. Many draft experts were concerned that Bowman could not make it in the NBA due to his... Read more