Trick Or Retreat! Kairos Group Goes To Salem To Burn Witches
SALEM, Mass. — The popular Kairos retreat wrapped up another successful spiritual expedition in Salem this past weekend. In addition to the standard prayer and reflection sessions, the participants of Kairos 179 reportedly furthered their understanding of God’s role in their lives by setting fire to at least seven, but no more than 19, pagan heathens in their midst. (This rough estimation is based off the charred, scattered remains later recovered from the retreat campsite.)
According to retreat director Josh Proctor, even the slightest mistake indicated that his retreatants were not ready for “the spiritual rehabilitation that only Kairos can provide.”
“While it’s no secret that Kairos is based in spirituality, it is a secret that if you don’t believe in God, you get burned at the stake, especially in New England,” said Proctor as he tightened the knot around the hands of Abby Williams (LSON ‘21).
The suspected witches were tested to see if they really were masters of the dark arts. Witnesses said that groups of students took turns branding the sinners with their ceremonial Kairos necklaces. If the heated iron left a mark, or if the women felt any pain at all, it signaled that they were indeed witches.
Proctor finished the weekend off with a motivating speech, concluding, “Remember to thank God, live the fourth, and burn the heretic.”
At press time, many retreatants said that they were excited to return to Chestnut Hill with a restored faith in God and a peace of mind knowing that there are considerably fewer Wiccan practitioners in their midst.
Sign up for Kairos today to either reconnect with your spiritual side or suffer an excruciatingly painful death!